“I think its time for me to move along. I do believe, I must be in the middle of some kind of conspiracy”

As I have eluded to more than once in this space, I travel extensively for work. A good deal of these travels take me to industry conferences. This is without a doubt the best part of my job for all the reasons that Michael Scott once so eloquently detailed. And if you don’t know what I am referring to, than clearly you need awesome lessons. Anyway, one of these upcoming conferences takes place an hour and a half down the road in the Kingdom of the Evil Mouse. This morning I called to make reservations at the conference hotel. The cheery Stepford Wife receptionist asked for some information so I gave them my name and zip code. At this point she informed me that they already had a “profile” on file for me and proceeded to recite my address to me. Uh….huh? I have lived at this address for only six months or so and I have not stayed at this particular hotel in at least six years. I can assure you that when I moved to the new address I did not inform The Mouse or any of his minions of my new whereabouts. The worst kept secret in Florida is that The Mouse is far more connected and powerful than anyone would imagine, but are they connected to the CIA? The Mafia? PETA? I am very scared right now and more than a little nervous about my attendance at this particular conference. I fear that they will be watching me the entire time.

“Flowers flying cross the room , vases smashed against the floor. Said ‘I'd rather be alone , take your chocolates and go home’"

Forgive my use of harsh language as I know we usually try and keep it family friendly here at the Five Guys, but in this case it is warranted. We celebrate some really, truly dumb shit in this country. My grandstanding against the banality of Halloween has been well documented for years. Columbus Day is an outdated observance that commemorates an elitist pirate who by all accounts lacked any regard for human life or common decency and who never actually landed on our continent. If anything the holiday celebrated in our country should be Vespucci Day. Hell, some states in our fine Union still close municipal offices on Jefferson Davis’ birthday. Hillbillies. But the worst offender is without a doubt Valentine’s Day. I want to punch Valentine’s Day in the face. Somehow in the days of Chaucer and courtly love and other outdated references that no one involved in this forum would ever care about, this holiday was transformed from a commemoration of early Christian martyrs into Hallmark, candy, teddy bears, and broken dreams. Everyone seems to agree this is a dumb ass reason for a “holiday”, yet if we are in a relationship we are compelled to acknowledge it or face the consequences. If we are not in a relationship we are compelled to feel sorry for our misfortune (though for the sake of fair journalism, I never once experienced this in my many years of being single).
And lest you think I am just a crank who can’t get into the spirit of things, I promise you I love any good cause for celebration. Gasparilla is the single greatest holiday in the history of the world. Thanksgiving is an annual classic. Christmas is fun for an entire month. Memorial Day and the 4th of July are always good for a killer long weekend, and my annual Flag Day keggar is not to be missed.
But I have now made an executive decision and inducted Valentine’s Day onto the List of things that Suck.