I Don't Want To...But Just in Case

It's been a long while since I posted anything to this most illustrious of the unread megabytes in cyberspace. Hell, it's been forever since anyone did. But, I'm kind of bored and kind of want to get some stuff off my chest, so here it is for all (the other four guys) to read.

I think it's human nature in most instances to question and ponder your own mortality. This is increasingly true during traumatic and emotional times or times of hardship. Since the last couple of years have brought me a healthy dose of all, yep, I've been thinking about it a lot. Now that I am alone a good portion of my time (granted mostly through my own doing, and not always a bad thing), I am left to converse with myself which is a combination of the perverse, morose and often pure insanity. For those who know me well, that comes as absolutely no surprise.

Anyway, some thoughts I want documented if I am ever to die and still be alone when this happens: (DISCLAIMER: I am not going to off myself...I do like myself, I do like good gin and I do like sex...since the heaven I grew up learning about prohibits these things, I'm sticking around. Wait, I'm not eligible for that heaven anyway...but you get what I am saying.)

1. There is to be no service of any religious leaning should I die.

2. No open casket. Hopefully I go out in some degree of awesomeness that prohibits this anyway.

3. Actually, just cremate me...makes the most financial sense. If someone important really objects, see #2.

4. There is to be no discussion of "a better place." Pretty sure being alive is as good as it gets.

5. Do not allow my ex-wife to marry a douchebag who then raises my son (think the Cary Elwes character on Liar, Liar). If she does, the remaining members of the five guys are responsible for making sure my son is a good kid, a stellar athlete, pulls like a rockstar and of course that he loves his mom.

6. I would like $50,000 of my life insurance money to go to hiring DBT, Son Volt, Jason Isbell and the Avett Brothers to do a tribute show in my honor for my friends. This has to be done at Skippers.

7. The only food to be served at the tribute show is EdBud BBQ. The only beer is PBR. The only whiskey is Jack Daniels.

8. Actually, pitch #7 to the bands in #6 first, they may play for free for that and save the $50,000.

9. If I am cremated and I still own that Goddamn RV, I'd like my ashes put in the gas tank to end it's life too.

10. My son may not attend (in no particular order): University of Miami, Florida State, Notre Dame, Michigan, Ohio State, Tennessee, USC or the Air Force Academy. I want badly to put LSU on the list, for obvious reasons I can't.

11. I have not possessions and I have no money... but of what's left, just sell and buy the booze for the tribute bash.

12. I would like a statue commissioned to be placed on the grounds of the Citadel. The working title should be: Frank Mood's Aneurysm at the Intersection of Joe Trez's Dymentia. The artist can do the rest (and only a select few Citadel men know why that's funny, but GF is laughing out loud).

13. Tell Jenny I'm sorry.

Okay, so that about it sums it up. Any remaining questions can be answered by the four of you in consultation with any of my remaining immediate family. Oh, and I know all of you a-holes are thinking how awesome that tribute show will be...no you can't kill me for that!

Now, on to the fun part. You can't contemplate your own morality without thinking about what you haven't done and what you want to do. So, again, in no particular order here are some things I fully intend to start clicking off in the near future. All of you are invited, but I am serious about trying to do at least one a year.

1. Carnival in Rio de Janeiro

2. Running of the Bulls in Pamplona

3. Watch the US play in a World Cup game. Bonus: A World Cup Final

4. Watch the sunrise and sunset on an island where I am the only person there (or we, since I said you are invited).

5. Attend an English Premier League soccer game, preferably one for the Spurs or Liverpool. Bonus: both

6. Hike the Appalachian Trail. Most likely not all at one time.

7. Bet on black...In Monte Carlo.

8. Attend the Cannes Film Festival. Bonus: Sneaking onto the Red Carpet and acting like you belong there.

9. Run for public office. Bonus: Win and hire the four guys.

10. Go crab fishing in the Bering Sea.

11. Have my own Neil Diamond tribute / impersonation show with Z as my sidekick.

12. Play a round of golf at the Old Course in St. Andrews with a local caddie. Bonus: The caddie smokes, curses like a drunken Scotsman, and drinks as we walk the course.

13. Spend the night in an igloo.

14. Throw out the first pitch for a Rays game. Bonus: it's a playoff game.

15. Drive a Stock Car on an oval and race car on a road course.

16. Own my own business (and not a lawn service).

17. Wrigley Field. Once from the stands and once from the apartments behind left field.

18. Visit Australia.

19. Be in a movie.

20. Hoist a pint in a true Irish Pub...in Ireland.

21. While I am there, drink some Jameson's at Jameson's.

22. Buy my own barrel of Jack Daniels.

23. Don't Die.

So there's a start. Throw in your own ideas and we can start checking them off.

Again, the object is to not die...but just in case, we are all better prepared.

Cheers.

"It's kind of like lost and found in a border town..."

It goes without saying that The Host will vehemently disagree with me because he is a pinko liberal, but the new Arizona Immigration Law is actually a good thing. It goes without saying that it constitutes racial profiling, but that might not necessarily be such a bad thing in this case. Is racial profiling unfair? Certainly, very much so. Is it unconstitutional? Absolutely not. I occasionally get asked for identification when I order a drink. Does that constitute ageism? No, it's the law. You know what else is the law? Not being in this country illegally. Law abiding citizens with nothing to hide generally have no issue complying with certain inconveniences that protect our overall safety. If you are a person who is a citizen or in this country legally and are asked for identification by the authorities, take the 10 seconds to show it to them and be on your way. If you are a person who is here illegally and are presented with the same request and can't comply, you will be deported. Guess what? Profiling just worked. On you! This is not about illegals crossing the border to take the low paying jobs that Americans don't want, as we so often hear argued. This is about a much larger and more dangerous issue, namely a massive drug war taking place right on the other side of the border. Without proper patrolling this violence could easily spill over the border and endanger American citizens. As a bidness man who travels with regularity to two border states, this makes me uncomfortable. So if you are an honest hard working Mexican American who took the proper channels to be in this country and you are inconvenienced by having to occasionally present identification, Pido disculpas, amigo.

One Resident's Story of Change

In a confirmation the Government is looking over our shoulders and knows all, a new $100 bill design was unveiled in Washington today.

While official reports claim the new bill is meant to deter counterfeiting, one Denver resident feels there's something more nefarious at play.

"Those horsef@ckers make them all look alike," said Gary Foster. "I mean how is a well-educated, corporate recruiter supposed to know the difference between these things?"

It seems Mr. Foster's concerns are even more sinister given the timing of this release.

"I don't know how they knew I was a moron, but it's impressive nonetheless," said Foster.

This all stems from an incident in Las Vegas last month, where in what Mr. Foster claims was an incident that "wasn't his fault," he inadvertently paid $100 instead of $10 to NOT hear Nickelback.

"Seriously they all look alike," Foster said sounding like a racist, but referring to bills in his wallet.

It seems there is a silver lining here for Mr. Foster however, who admittedly doesn't like Canadians and can't do math.

"Well, look it may have cost me more money than I intended but it's a good story," said Foster. "And now that I have spurred this critical change in our government treasury, I feel some measure of satisfaction that I had a hand in it and I didn't have to listen to Nickelback."

"Now I am waiting for Vegas to start playing 26 instead of 21 and I'll be all set."

"Move it on over. Rock it on over. Move over little dog, a big, old dog is moving in"

On more than a few occasions I have used this blog to lament the headcase that is Dog. Whether it was losing her mentor Rufus, being tormented by vermin the Rat House, multiple moves, or just being born with spooks in her head, sweet, lovable Dog is undeniably a certifiable nut bar. A couple of weeks ago things took a turn for the worse. First she destroyed our bedroom while we were at work. Then when we resorted to crating her, she destroyed her nose trying to escape. Mrs. GF and were at our wits end about what to do with her. Drastic measures were certainly required. After consulting with our vet and, by proxy, a canine behaviorist we decided that what she lacked was companionship. On Saturday we took Dog and went to the Dumb Friends League (which is the most awesome name for the Humane Society ever). After looking around Mrs. GF, Dog and I all agreed on a 6 year big ole Yella Lab named Guari. We could not pronounce his name and research on the interwebs told us that the moniker meant something stoopid in Hindu, so we decided to call him something that sounded similar, finally settling on Murray (aka Murray The Brick due to his very large and muscular frame). Murray had been made stay outside, sleep in barn, and was generally ignored before being abandoned by his previous owners. Given this history he was very grateful to be adopted by two softies who tend to spoil their canine family members. He can't seem to get enough love and is an all around awesome dog. The best part is that our experiment seemed to work. Dog took to him immediately and seems to love him already. Left alone with full roam of the house earlier today, the two of them did no damage and seem content to be in each other's company. Welcome to the GF family Murray.

"When green is all there is to be It could make you wonder why, but why wonder why"

NBC brought back it's "Green is Universal" campaign for this years Winter Olympics coverage. They will be broadcasting without using electricity or lights in an effort to protect mother Earth from the evils of global warming. While I am not able to locate a single source on the interweb that corroborates this story, it is the only plausible situation because I can't find a single person that has witnessed any of competitions on television.

I have no idea how our curling team is doing and this troubles me. I'm just not myself unless I can see all 8 heats of the biathlon competition because it combines two of the most enjoyable things one can do with his/her pants on, cross-country skiing and shooting (who would have guessed that Canadia had red-necks too, because who else would come up with this "sport").

I heard there is a competition where a person gets on a sled and goes down an ice track on their belly and it's called skeleton...sounds like a hoot (not to be confused with a sport where they slide down on their back on a sled, or the one with multiple bodies on their butts in a sled). With games like these I'm wondering why NBC chose to not air them on TV? It seems that by transporting these images through the air millions of people would be able to enjoy them in the privacy of their home.

I know that global warming is real now because there is no snow at the winter Olympics so I applaud the networks efforts to save the games but, I would love it if they could have found a happy median between awareness and, um, their job.

Carrier pigeons were sent to the network for comment but I think the contestants of "The Biggest Loser" ate them all, which is very "un-green" of the network...unless they ate them raw, which would at least be in the same vein of what the network is going for.

I Heart Google

Sorry to bust your bubble you Berlin Google pranksters, but a couple of guys from Norway just pulled off the best Google “Street View” prank yet. Seems two unidentified gentleman had heard a Google camera car was in the neighborhood, so they decided to dress as ninjas scuba divers and laid (or rather sat) in wait for the unsuspecting car.

As soon as the Google vehicle passed by, the two men sprang into action. They both leapt from their respective lawn chairs and gave chase as best they could behind the “Street View” car as it traveled down the road with one of the men brandishing a fishing fork. Fortunately for Google, since both the men were wearing diving flippers at the time, the pursuit did not last very long. All the while, however, the Google cameras snapped away at the bizarre chase taking place.

Now it seems no one is exactly sure how these Norwegian men caught wind that there was a Google “Street View” car in their town. What is known, though, is that Google apparently did not mind the funny scene as they posted the photos on Google Maps. Just go to “Street View” level to see the pair on the side of the road and then continue down the street to see them give chase.

Just click on the link and click the yellow man then drag him over the address...it's very funny

See them here:

"The Mountains Win Again"

I've sat on the sideline long enough. I've kept my mouth shut, stood by, and watched as governments from around the world tout studies and presents fact about global warming.

As I sit here typing there is a snow storm bearing down on the Northeast. This is really good news and let me tell you why. The globe is changing! It's the only thing that makes sense really. Since the day we agreed that humans can affect the climate of earth we have witnessed first hand the power of a focused effort. People have come together, big governments have given to smaller governments and the result? Snow...IN THE NORTHEAST!!! It's like a Festivus miracle. The largest concentration of people in the US is seeing a record breaking blizzard this weekend. It really has changed my mind about Algore, the importance of polar bears, and the impact fossil fuels and bovine flatulence can have on society.

But, a far more sinister enemy lurks. I'm going to put it in writing here first so we can begin the revolution. We need all hands on deck for this one people, I'm talking a laser like focus that surpasses even that required to vanquish global warming. What am I talking about? Plate tectonics yo!

Since the dawn of, well, earth, massive plates have been floating around on a sea of comfort without any thought or care of the hurt and disaster they impose on the creatures of middle earth. As they bump into each other you can almost hear them cry out "wwwweeeee" while those above them are thrown into peril.

The recent events of Haiti are in our thoughts and prayers now but let's get historical...these plates ruined a world series...I've had it with death, destruction, the designated hitter...it's time to get mobilized. Mt. Everest has killed far more people than global warming has penguins and polar bears. Mt. Rainier is the reason Seattle sucks. The volcano's of Hawaii could have taken out our President before he even got a chance to get the change train on the tracks man! What else needs to happen before we get organized.

It only makes sense that former VP Dick Cheney leads the charge. He can get his old friends pain (his right fist) and suffering (his left fist) into the fight and bring Haliburton and W. into the fray as well. The days of worrying about earthquakes and a slow death due to suffocation at altitudes not capable of supporting life are coming to an end. Get on your feet people!! Donations can be sent directly to me and I promise that 96% of what you give today will go to fighting this imperative fight. Thank you very much and God Bless the earth.

"Man Caught in Sinister Trap Cries Foul"

Denver, CO

A Denver resident is calling foul after he drove his Ford Fusion, (a car very popular in the gay community) to a local car wash on Monday.

"Well, I was having a bad day," mumbled a sniveling Gary Foster as he wiped away tears and mucous from his chin.

"All I wanted to do was enjoy a tasty PBR tall boy in my car and that's when they sprung it on me"

Mr. Foster claims that the employees of a local car wash, all of which were illegal immigrants from Mexico, sprung a trap on him. He claims they broke his window and began flooding his car with soap and water. Once he was able to exit the car the emergency exit doors were blocked, preventing him from escaping the "torture chamber of death" and subjecting him to constant flogging and abuse from the various machinery.

Mr. Foster suffered from temporary blindness due to the soap and wax mixture, several lacerations from "that spinny thingy that knocked the bajezus outta me," and a slight concussion after being knocked to the ground by the machine that dries the cars.

When the employees were asked for their side of the story they said, "esse came in here saying he wanted to clean de car, so we put him in the ma-chean and sent heem on hees way, mid way through he rolled down the window and started running around like a crazy man and when he heet the exit door he pulled on de push sign for a few minutes before he finally gave up".

Calls for a comment to Mr. Fosters wife and employer were not immediately returned but he did leave us with a final quote,

"You have got a very serious public threat our here Denver, these Gary traps are a mean thing"

"Come run away with me, this ain't the world we signed up for..."

and that's all I have to say about that...

Don't I Feel Like the Bleeping Bleephole?

This classic, though obviously censored, Jack Nicholson line has always been a favorite of mine. It so eloquently and simply responds to so many different things, it's a wonder you don't hear it 100 times a day. Of course, the F-word (or fuck) and A-hole (see also, asshole) can be frowned upon in the workplace and in certain circles, particularly those filled with the Bible crowd (for my thoughts on that crowd, just read more of the blog).

Anyway, I digress, and in this instance I am going to answer my own question and the answer is an unequivocal no! I don't at all. Society wants me to feel like one. Celebrities do too. Hell, 85% of people on Facebook are apparently less a-hole than I am.

So what's the question and what do I not feel like a bleeping bleephole about? I'll make it simple: I don't get to give two bleeping bleeps about Haiti. It's not that I don't feel bad for people, all the Five Guys know I have a heart and it often bleeds. But, Haiti was barely third world before the earthquake and guess what it is after? The same. Guess what it will be after we all rush to show our goodwill...yep, the same!

Here's the thing. We could raise $1 billion and ship every penny to that hell-hole. You know what will happen? One dude will keep $999,000,000 and his brother will get the remaining $1 million in a contract to repave his driveway. When will we learn we have no ability to help a country that cannot even help itself?

The other thing I'm burning on about this: I thought we were freaking broke? I mean our country and all the people in it? If a bunch of people can sing some songs, post a text number, and run some commercials and all of you get off your asses and suddenly can un-ass $10 or more...here's a concept, spend it on our economy. Here's an idea celebrities, why don't you raise that money anyway and turn it over to something local. Why? Because I could show you video of starving black kids, living in deplorable conditions and collapsed buildings. They have no running water and their families are nowhere to be found. There's barely a functioning economy there. Only it's called Detroit (school pictured above), not Haiti. I know where I'd rather spend my money and where I'd rather my government spend it too.

So I'm with you on this one Bubba. Fuck Haiti. We got poor people here. And no, I don't feel at all like a bleeping bleephole for saying it.

"Some are meant to sing, some are meant to talk and some aren’t meant to say a thing"

For the better part of the last decade I have released my list of the Top 10 CD's each year. Instead of doing a list for 2009, I decided to put together an All Decade list. Now this list is obviously going to leave out quite a few deserving releases. This is a function of both my bad memory and of the limitations of only having 10 spots to fill. Long time readers (re: the other 4 guys and a lady I like to call "mom") will notice some incongruities between this list and where I had some of these albums ranked in the year that they were released. Sometimes the overall influence and staying power of an album can't be fully measured until several years later. Some albums simply "hold up" better than others. You'll also notice that some genres, most notably hip hop and country, lack representation. Again, I only have 10 spots and a finite number of hours in the day to listen to music. Of course Eminem should be represented for his influence in early part of the decade. So should Chris Knight and Gary Allen on the country side. I also offer my most sincere apologies to Jay-Z and Carrie Underwood. I just couldn't get to everyone. So here they are, the Top 10 CDs of the Aughts.

10. Jason Isbell & The 400 Unit - Self Titled

In 2008, former Drive By Trucker guitarist and songwriter Isbell and his newly assembled band followed up his debut solo offering with a set that illustrates the flip side of Americana. With influences that range from Sam Cooke to Rolling Stones to Jackson Browne, Isbell and the 400 Unit put craft songs so perfect that they alternately tug at the heart strings and lift the spirit. And if you know anything about me, you'll know this is also a bit foreshadowing.

9. The Airborne Toxic Event - Self Titled

2009's only entry on the list gained recognition on the strength of lead single "Sometime Around Midnight". The L.A. based quintet blend standard rock guitars and drums with a combination of strings, tambourines, smart lyrics, and entrancing vocals. Each song on the CD builds to a soulful crescendo that leaves you longing for more.

8. Oukast - "Stankonia"

While I have included very little Hip Hop on previous lists, 2000's Stankonia is the perfect representation of Dre's singing and Big Boi's rapping, reminding us that before the acting careers and the growing distance between their musical styles, Outkast was an important musical voice, taking on cultural and social issues in a way that no other artist in the genre could. Single Mrs. Jackson still holds up a decade later.

7. The Whitestripes - "Elephant"

In the past I have panned The Whitestripes as, among other things, "A weirdo with a guitar and a drummer that can't play the drums", but in hindsight there is no doubting Jack White's substantial talent. On Elephant, Jack and Meg craft songs so complex and edgy that it becomes nearly stupifying that there are only two of them. In 2002 it was impossible to escape the juggernaut of single "Seven Nation Army" as it was eventually covered (with reverence) by everyone from Audioslave to Robert Goulet.

6. Kings of Leon - "Only By The Night"

The Followills (three brothers and cousin) of Leon county Tennessee began gaining steam early in the decade with "Aha, Shake, Heartbreak" and their mythology grew around subsequent releases as the story of their tent revival evangelical upbringing spread. They were already one of the biggest bands everywhere in the world except America in 2008 when "Only By The Night" vaulted them to the mainstream in their home country. On bonafide smash hit singles "Sex On Fire" and "Use Somebody" Caleb's vocals finally caught up with the impressive rock chops of the rest of the band.

5. My Chemical Romance - "The Black Parade"

In 2006 I referred to My Chem's mainstream breakthrough as "the defining album of a generation". I suppose that I am prone to hyperbole. While "The Black Parade" has not weathered the years as well as some of the other albums on the list, it still speaks in a way that no other band in the Alternative genre has been able to accomplish with their music. Gerard's anguished vocals and the band's thundering support on songs like "Sharpest Lives", "When You Go", and "Famous Last Words" perfectly tell the story of a band realizing the full power of their potential while on the brink of total collapse.

4. The Killers - "Hot Fuss"

Las Vegas based quartet The Killers burst into America's stream of conscience in 2004 with unescapable single "Somebody Told Me" and quickly followed it up with the even more popular "Mr. Brightside". Blending European synth with American rock influences and topping it off with an ambivalently cool panache solidified The Killers as one of the most unique bands to come along in years, and Hot Fuss one of the most defining CDs of the decade.

3. Bruce Springsteen - "The Rising"

In 2002, after 14 years since his last album with the E Street band, and inspired by the events September 11th, Bruce Springsteen got Little Steven, Nils, Patti, Clarence, Danny, and Max back in studio to craft a heart wrenching and powerful opus to America's struggle to overcome tragedy. Songs like "My City Of Ruins", "The Rising", and "Counting On A Miracle" uplift by imploring Americans to rise up and overcome in a way that only Bruce could pull off without sounding cheesy.

2. Rilo Kiley - "Under The Blacklight"

Rilo Kiley's 2007 swan song was also their most complete and accessible effort. Former child star and current singer Jenny Lewis weaves stories of the less sunny side of life on the fringes of Los Angeles. Covering everything from hook ups, break ups, abuse, and even the seedy inter workings of the porn industry, "Blacklight" paints an adventurous picture of all that is both good and bad with a culture obsessed with celebrity.

1. Drive By Truckers - "Decoration Day"

Over the years The Truckers have endured multiple line up changes with only Patterson Hood, Mike Cooley, and Brad Neff being the constants, but 2003's "Decoration Day" featured the full compliment of their collective talents with newly added songwriter/guitarist Jason Isbell and bassist Shonna Tucker rounding out the group. With Hood, Cooley, and Isbell all contributing songs, vocals, and guitars, DBT crafts the most powerful collection of songs in their impressive catalog. From stark anthems to powerful rockers, "Decoration Day" explores every facet of the "duality of the Southern thing".

Honorable mention:

-Gavin DeGraw, "Chariot"

-Arcade Fire, "Neon Bible"

-The Wallflowers, "Rebel, Sweetheart"

-Chris Isaak, "Mr. Lucky"

-Brand New, "Deja Entandu"

Resolutions

Every year we all do it, whether we carve them in stone or they are an afterthought in the deep recesses of our mind, we all make some sort of New Year’s Resolution. Most common..Lose weight, stop smoking, be a better parent, be more dedicated to my job. The list could go on forever. When thinking about this the other day I realized while most resolutions are very admirable, none actually seem like much fun. Again let me stress as an example I would love to be a better father to my daughters, and it is a goal of mine, but in my idea of FUN things to do, I wouldn’t put that in this category. So I have decided this year to make a list of resolutions that if I were to be honest, would be my top 5 real answers (in no particular order) to what I would want to do with my year. Note to reader. This is written in jest, and resolutions are meant as a joke, so don’t go callin Mrs. Frank after reading this.

1. Eat Whatever the "F" I wanted.

What happened to my 14-25 year old metabolism? I could eat every greasy, cheesy, meat filled, gelatinous plate full of crap every meal and would maybe need to walk a flight of stairs to stay in shape. Now if I look at burrito my fingers get so fat that I hit extra keys while typing. (fgh by njkkdjf the nbkjbk way mndbcbf I dncfkjdsf f-ing kwejbnfkjf LOVE jkfkjkkj burritos) So this year I want to eat chicken wings, go to Vallarta’s every Wednesday and Friday, eat every starch I can think of and cover every inch of said starch with a pound of cheese. Sure at the start of 2011 I would need a Lark 3 Wheeled Scooter and insulin shots but how fantastic a time I would have getting to the point that I couldn’t see my Johnson, or "The Coal Minor" as I like to call him.

2. Start a drinking club

Was going to say join/start a fraternity, or something up that alley, but when I actually think about it I would really just like to have a club where people I like and myself hang out and drink. Don’t get me wrong a fraternity has other attractive aspects, like hazing, casual sex with sorority girls, and occasionally the combination of the two, but at the end of the day I would settle for a club where I met 1 to 6 days a week and we just talked shit and drank like fish. I have never really understood that saying, but thats not important.

3. Grow a Mullet!

Not sure why other than the humor factor. Would also like to incorporate a porn-stache and pork chop side burns, but I am not sure I am engrained enough with the white trash DNA for my hair to grow in like that. Also will purchase an IROC Z and fake Oakleys that only baseball players should wear.

4. Try to visit every gentleman’s club in the greater Tampa/St. Pete/Clearwater area in one night.

What is there to really say about this one. It would be a feat that would be hard to accomplish since there are 44,000 strip clubs in the area and it would probably take a week to actually do. So it is a great challange, and then there is naked boobies. Yeah I didn’t think any more explanation was needed either.

5. Disappear!

The Five Guys an RV and open road….well and beer. One day the five of us just jump in the RV and drive till the wheels fall off. I have always wanted to see this beautiful country up close and personal, and I couldn’t think of a better way than with my best friends. As my fellow Five Guys always say, “If you don’t think this is awesome, then you need awesomeness lessons.” !

In summary while these are resolutions that will never be fullfilled, a boy can dream!