"Man Caught in Sinister Trap Cries Foul"

Denver, CO

A Denver resident is calling foul after he drove his Ford Fusion, (a car very popular in the gay community) to a local car wash on Monday.

"Well, I was having a bad day," mumbled a sniveling Gary Foster as he wiped away tears and mucous from his chin.

"All I wanted to do was enjoy a tasty PBR tall boy in my car and that's when they sprung it on me"

Mr. Foster claims that the employees of a local car wash, all of which were illegal immigrants from Mexico, sprung a trap on him. He claims they broke his window and began flooding his car with soap and water. Once he was able to exit the car the emergency exit doors were blocked, preventing him from escaping the "torture chamber of death" and subjecting him to constant flogging and abuse from the various machinery.

Mr. Foster suffered from temporary blindness due to the soap and wax mixture, several lacerations from "that spinny thingy that knocked the bajezus outta me," and a slight concussion after being knocked to the ground by the machine that dries the cars.

When the employees were asked for their side of the story they said, "esse came in here saying he wanted to clean de car, so we put him in the ma-chean and sent heem on hees way, mid way through he rolled down the window and started running around like a crazy man and when he heet the exit door he pulled on de push sign for a few minutes before he finally gave up".

Calls for a comment to Mr. Fosters wife and employer were not immediately returned but he did leave us with a final quote,

"You have got a very serious public threat our here Denver, these Gary traps are a mean thing"

"Come run away with me, this ain't the world we signed up for..."

and that's all I have to say about that...

Don't I Feel Like the Bleeping Bleephole?

This classic, though obviously censored, Jack Nicholson line has always been a favorite of mine. It so eloquently and simply responds to so many different things, it's a wonder you don't hear it 100 times a day. Of course, the F-word (or fuck) and A-hole (see also, asshole) can be frowned upon in the workplace and in certain circles, particularly those filled with the Bible crowd (for my thoughts on that crowd, just read more of the blog).

Anyway, I digress, and in this instance I am going to answer my own question and the answer is an unequivocal no! I don't at all. Society wants me to feel like one. Celebrities do too. Hell, 85% of people on Facebook are apparently less a-hole than I am.

So what's the question and what do I not feel like a bleeping bleephole about? I'll make it simple: I don't get to give two bleeping bleeps about Haiti. It's not that I don't feel bad for people, all the Five Guys know I have a heart and it often bleeds. But, Haiti was barely third world before the earthquake and guess what it is after? The same. Guess what it will be after we all rush to show our goodwill...yep, the same!

Here's the thing. We could raise $1 billion and ship every penny to that hell-hole. You know what will happen? One dude will keep $999,000,000 and his brother will get the remaining $1 million in a contract to repave his driveway. When will we learn we have no ability to help a country that cannot even help itself?

The other thing I'm burning on about this: I thought we were freaking broke? I mean our country and all the people in it? If a bunch of people can sing some songs, post a text number, and run some commercials and all of you get off your asses and suddenly can un-ass $10 or more...here's a concept, spend it on our economy. Here's an idea celebrities, why don't you raise that money anyway and turn it over to something local. Why? Because I could show you video of starving black kids, living in deplorable conditions and collapsed buildings. They have no running water and their families are nowhere to be found. There's barely a functioning economy there. Only it's called Detroit (school pictured above), not Haiti. I know where I'd rather spend my money and where I'd rather my government spend it too.

So I'm with you on this one Bubba. Fuck Haiti. We got poor people here. And no, I don't feel at all like a bleeping bleephole for saying it.

"Some are meant to sing, some are meant to talk and some aren’t meant to say a thing"

For the better part of the last decade I have released my list of the Top 10 CD's each year. Instead of doing a list for 2009, I decided to put together an All Decade list. Now this list is obviously going to leave out quite a few deserving releases. This is a function of both my bad memory and of the limitations of only having 10 spots to fill. Long time readers (re: the other 4 guys and a lady I like to call "mom") will notice some incongruities between this list and where I had some of these albums ranked in the year that they were released. Sometimes the overall influence and staying power of an album can't be fully measured until several years later. Some albums simply "hold up" better than others. You'll also notice that some genres, most notably hip hop and country, lack representation. Again, I only have 10 spots and a finite number of hours in the day to listen to music. Of course Eminem should be represented for his influence in early part of the decade. So should Chris Knight and Gary Allen on the country side. I also offer my most sincere apologies to Jay-Z and Carrie Underwood. I just couldn't get to everyone. So here they are, the Top 10 CDs of the Aughts.

10. Jason Isbell & The 400 Unit - Self Titled

In 2008, former Drive By Trucker guitarist and songwriter Isbell and his newly assembled band followed up his debut solo offering with a set that illustrates the flip side of Americana. With influences that range from Sam Cooke to Rolling Stones to Jackson Browne, Isbell and the 400 Unit put craft songs so perfect that they alternately tug at the heart strings and lift the spirit. And if you know anything about me, you'll know this is also a bit foreshadowing.

9. The Airborne Toxic Event - Self Titled

2009's only entry on the list gained recognition on the strength of lead single "Sometime Around Midnight". The L.A. based quintet blend standard rock guitars and drums with a combination of strings, tambourines, smart lyrics, and entrancing vocals. Each song on the CD builds to a soulful crescendo that leaves you longing for more.

8. Oukast - "Stankonia"

While I have included very little Hip Hop on previous lists, 2000's Stankonia is the perfect representation of Dre's singing and Big Boi's rapping, reminding us that before the acting careers and the growing distance between their musical styles, Outkast was an important musical voice, taking on cultural and social issues in a way that no other artist in the genre could. Single Mrs. Jackson still holds up a decade later.

7. The Whitestripes - "Elephant"

In the past I have panned The Whitestripes as, among other things, "A weirdo with a guitar and a drummer that can't play the drums", but in hindsight there is no doubting Jack White's substantial talent. On Elephant, Jack and Meg craft songs so complex and edgy that it becomes nearly stupifying that there are only two of them. In 2002 it was impossible to escape the juggernaut of single "Seven Nation Army" as it was eventually covered (with reverence) by everyone from Audioslave to Robert Goulet.

6. Kings of Leon - "Only By The Night"

The Followills (three brothers and cousin) of Leon county Tennessee began gaining steam early in the decade with "Aha, Shake, Heartbreak" and their mythology grew around subsequent releases as the story of their tent revival evangelical upbringing spread. They were already one of the biggest bands everywhere in the world except America in 2008 when "Only By The Night" vaulted them to the mainstream in their home country. On bonafide smash hit singles "Sex On Fire" and "Use Somebody" Caleb's vocals finally caught up with the impressive rock chops of the rest of the band.

5. My Chemical Romance - "The Black Parade"

In 2006 I referred to My Chem's mainstream breakthrough as "the defining album of a generation". I suppose that I am prone to hyperbole. While "The Black Parade" has not weathered the years as well as some of the other albums on the list, it still speaks in a way that no other band in the Alternative genre has been able to accomplish with their music. Gerard's anguished vocals and the band's thundering support on songs like "Sharpest Lives", "When You Go", and "Famous Last Words" perfectly tell the story of a band realizing the full power of their potential while on the brink of total collapse.

4. The Killers - "Hot Fuss"

Las Vegas based quartet The Killers burst into America's stream of conscience in 2004 with unescapable single "Somebody Told Me" and quickly followed it up with the even more popular "Mr. Brightside". Blending European synth with American rock influences and topping it off with an ambivalently cool panache solidified The Killers as one of the most unique bands to come along in years, and Hot Fuss one of the most defining CDs of the decade.

3. Bruce Springsteen - "The Rising"

In 2002, after 14 years since his last album with the E Street band, and inspired by the events September 11th, Bruce Springsteen got Little Steven, Nils, Patti, Clarence, Danny, and Max back in studio to craft a heart wrenching and powerful opus to America's struggle to overcome tragedy. Songs like "My City Of Ruins", "The Rising", and "Counting On A Miracle" uplift by imploring Americans to rise up and overcome in a way that only Bruce could pull off without sounding cheesy.

2. Rilo Kiley - "Under The Blacklight"

Rilo Kiley's 2007 swan song was also their most complete and accessible effort. Former child star and current singer Jenny Lewis weaves stories of the less sunny side of life on the fringes of Los Angeles. Covering everything from hook ups, break ups, abuse, and even the seedy inter workings of the porn industry, "Blacklight" paints an adventurous picture of all that is both good and bad with a culture obsessed with celebrity.

1. Drive By Truckers - "Decoration Day"

Over the years The Truckers have endured multiple line up changes with only Patterson Hood, Mike Cooley, and Brad Neff being the constants, but 2003's "Decoration Day" featured the full compliment of their collective talents with newly added songwriter/guitarist Jason Isbell and bassist Shonna Tucker rounding out the group. With Hood, Cooley, and Isbell all contributing songs, vocals, and guitars, DBT crafts the most powerful collection of songs in their impressive catalog. From stark anthems to powerful rockers, "Decoration Day" explores every facet of the "duality of the Southern thing".

Honorable mention:

-Gavin DeGraw, "Chariot"

-Arcade Fire, "Neon Bible"

-The Wallflowers, "Rebel, Sweetheart"

-Chris Isaak, "Mr. Lucky"

-Brand New, "Deja Entandu"

Resolutions

Every year we all do it, whether we carve them in stone or they are an afterthought in the deep recesses of our mind, we all make some sort of New Year’s Resolution. Most common..Lose weight, stop smoking, be a better parent, be more dedicated to my job. The list could go on forever. When thinking about this the other day I realized while most resolutions are very admirable, none actually seem like much fun. Again let me stress as an example I would love to be a better father to my daughters, and it is a goal of mine, but in my idea of FUN things to do, I wouldn’t put that in this category. So I have decided this year to make a list of resolutions that if I were to be honest, would be my top 5 real answers (in no particular order) to what I would want to do with my year. Note to reader. This is written in jest, and resolutions are meant as a joke, so don’t go callin Mrs. Frank after reading this.

1. Eat Whatever the "F" I wanted.

What happened to my 14-25 year old metabolism? I could eat every greasy, cheesy, meat filled, gelatinous plate full of crap every meal and would maybe need to walk a flight of stairs to stay in shape. Now if I look at burrito my fingers get so fat that I hit extra keys while typing. (fgh by njkkdjf the nbkjbk way mndbcbf I dncfkjdsf f-ing kwejbnfkjf LOVE jkfkjkkj burritos) So this year I want to eat chicken wings, go to Vallarta’s every Wednesday and Friday, eat every starch I can think of and cover every inch of said starch with a pound of cheese. Sure at the start of 2011 I would need a Lark 3 Wheeled Scooter and insulin shots but how fantastic a time I would have getting to the point that I couldn’t see my Johnson, or "The Coal Minor" as I like to call him.

2. Start a drinking club

Was going to say join/start a fraternity, or something up that alley, but when I actually think about it I would really just like to have a club where people I like and myself hang out and drink. Don’t get me wrong a fraternity has other attractive aspects, like hazing, casual sex with sorority girls, and occasionally the combination of the two, but at the end of the day I would settle for a club where I met 1 to 6 days a week and we just talked shit and drank like fish. I have never really understood that saying, but thats not important.

3. Grow a Mullet!

Not sure why other than the humor factor. Would also like to incorporate a porn-stache and pork chop side burns, but I am not sure I am engrained enough with the white trash DNA for my hair to grow in like that. Also will purchase an IROC Z and fake Oakleys that only baseball players should wear.

4. Try to visit every gentleman’s club in the greater Tampa/St. Pete/Clearwater area in one night.

What is there to really say about this one. It would be a feat that would be hard to accomplish since there are 44,000 strip clubs in the area and it would probably take a week to actually do. So it is a great challange, and then there is naked boobies. Yeah I didn’t think any more explanation was needed either.

5. Disappear!

The Five Guys an RV and open road….well and beer. One day the five of us just jump in the RV and drive till the wheels fall off. I have always wanted to see this beautiful country up close and personal, and I couldn’t think of a better way than with my best friends. As my fellow Five Guys always say, “If you don’t think this is awesome, then you need awesomeness lessons.” !

In summary while these are resolutions that will never be fullfilled, a boy can dream!