I think it's human nature in most instances to question and ponder your own mortality. This is increasingly true during traumatic and emotional times or times of hardship. Since the last couple of years have brought me a healthy dose of all, yep, I've been thinking about it a lot. Now that I am alone a good portion of my time (granted mostly through my own doing, and not always a bad thing), I am left to converse with myself which is a combination of the perverse, morose and often pure insanity. For those who know me well, that comes as absolutely no surprise.
Anyway, some thoughts I want documented if I am ever to die and still be alone when this happens: (DISCLAIMER: I am not going to off myself...I do like myself, I do like good gin and I do like sex...since the heaven I grew up learning about prohibits these things, I'm sticking around. Wait, I'm not eligible for that heaven anyway...but you get what I am saying.)
1. There is to be no service of any religious leaning should I die.
2. No open casket. Hopefully I go out in some degree of awesomeness that prohibits this anyway.
3. Actually, just cremate me...makes the most financial sense. If someone important really objects, see #2.
4. There is to be no discussion of "a better place." Pretty sure being alive is as good as it gets.
5. Do not allow my ex-wife to marry a douchebag who then raises my son (think the Cary Elwes character on Liar, Liar). If she does, the remaining members of the five guys are responsible for making sure my son is a good kid, a stellar athlete, pulls like a rockstar and of course that he loves his mom.
6. I would like $50,000 of my life insurance money to go to hiring DBT, Son Volt, Jason Isbell and the Avett Brothers to do a tribute show in my honor for my friends. This has to be done at Skippers.
7. The only food to be served at the tribute show is EdBud BBQ. The only beer is PBR. The only whiskey is Jack Daniels.
8. Actually, pitch #7 to the bands in #6 first, they may play for free for that and save the $50,000.
9. If I am cremated and I still own that Goddamn RV, I'd like my ashes put in the gas tank to end it's life too.
10. My son may not attend (in no particular order): University of Miami, Florida State, Notre Dame, Michigan, Ohio State, Tennessee, USC or the Air Force Academy. I want badly to put LSU on the list, for obvious reasons I can't.
11. I have not possessions and I have no money... but of what's left, just sell and buy the booze for the tribute bash.
12. I would like a statue commissioned to be placed on the grounds of the Citadel. The working title should be: Frank Mood's Aneurysm at the Intersection of Joe Trez's Dymentia. The artist can do the rest (and only a select few Citadel men know why that's funny, but GF is laughing out loud).
13. Tell Jenny I'm sorry.
Okay, so that about it sums it up. Any remaining questions can be answered by the four of you in consultation with any of my remaining immediate family. Oh, and I know all of you a-holes are thinking how awesome that tribute show will be...no you can't kill me for that!
Now, on to the fun part. You can't contemplate your own morality without thinking about what you haven't done and what you want to do. So, again, in no particular order here are some things I fully intend to start clicking off in the near future. All of you are invited, but I am serious about trying to do at least one a year.
1. Carnival in Rio de Janeiro
2. Running of the Bulls in Pamplona
3. Watch the US play in a World Cup game. Bonus: A World Cup Final
4. Watch the sunrise and sunset on an island where I am the only person there (or we, since I said you are invited).
5. Attend an English Premier League soccer game, preferably one for the Spurs or Liverpool. Bonus: both
6. Hike the Appalachian Trail. Most likely not all at one time.
7. Bet on black...In Monte Carlo.
8. Attend the Cannes Film Festival. Bonus: Sneaking onto the Red Carpet and acting like you belong there.
9. Run for public office. Bonus: Win and hire the four guys.
10. Go crab fishing in the Bering Sea.
11. Have my own Neil Diamond tribute / impersonation show with Z as my sidekick.
12. Play a round of golf at the Old Course in St. Andrews with a local caddie. Bonus: The caddie smokes, curses like a drunken Scotsman, and drinks as we walk the course.
13. Spend the night in an igloo.
14. Throw out the first pitch for a Rays game. Bonus: it's a playoff game.
15. Drive a Stock Car on an oval and race car on a road course.
16. Own my own business (and not a lawn service).
17. Wrigley Field. Once from the stands and once from the apartments behind left field.
18. Visit Australia.
19. Be in a movie.
20. Hoist a pint in a true Irish Pub...in Ireland.
21. While I am there, drink some Jameson's at Jameson's.
22. Buy my own barrel of Jack Daniels.
23. Don't Die.
So there's a start. Throw in your own ideas and we can start checking them off.
Again, the object is to not die...but just in case, we are all better prepared.
Cheers.
