"She Could Dance All Night And Shake The Paint Off The Wall"

I'm the kind of guy who generally procrastinates tasks that I don't really want to do. One of these tasks is shopping, which I absolutley loathe. So it should come as no surprise that I was out on December 23rd doing pretty much all of my Christmas shopping. I was able to finish up by about 2:00 and was feeling real satisfied with myself and my efficiency. As I left the overly crowded mall I caught sight of a Hooter's out of the corner of my eye. There was no question that this would be my lunchtime destination. Since I was alone, I pulled up a stool at the bar and ordered up a beer and a sandwich. As I sat there I began to over hear a conversation between the bartender and another Hooter's girl named Gina, who was very clearly drunk (she was actually sneaking shots with one of her tables). The conversation started with the two ladies lamenting "small dicked, high school dropout, ex boyfriends", and it went down hill from there. Drunk Gina also apparently likes the ladies (at one point screaming out "I LOVE PU.. and getting really high, while the other girl claims to have slept with Lil Wayne and NBA player J.R. Smith. Gina thought this was a pretty cool accomplishment but made clear she would have settled for "just smoking up with Weezy". Later in the conversation the topic turned to movies, which quickly devolved into their favorite kinds of "adult movies". At some point during this conversation Drunk Gina noticed me giggling like a school girl and they began asking my opinions on their various topics of discussion. I can't be sure but I believe my response went something along the lines of "uh...I like Will Ferrell movies and I'm married". The whole experience was just Solid Gold.

Guys We All Hate

1. Drinks out of a Cocktail Straw Guy: I can't believe I even have to list this one because I am shocked that a dude would do this. But, we've all seen it: "Jack and Coke" is ordered. Bartender delivers, dude picks it up and takes a hit right through that little straw. Here's a hint, those are for girls and mixing lime in drinks that require it. You then dispose of straw. Otherwise order a belini or an apple martini woman. This guy is a cousin to: Wraps his Beer Bottle in a Napkin Guy and Needs a Glass for His Beer Guy.

2. Under Armour as Outer Armour Guy: Another truly baffling guy that continues to haunt me. The original, extremely tight Under Armour (or any other brand) was designed for athletes to have a layer UNDER their equipment that wasn't too bulky. Eschewing all fashion or good sense, this guy just rocks it. I think you should be able to hit any one doing this with a baseball bat. Cousin: Any other overly tight T-Shirt guy. Nice pecs and biceps douchebag...go spike your hair some more and maybe mix in some leg sets. Dick.

3. Likes to Fight Guy: An old favorite. Self explanatory ass bag. Seriously, do you not have anything better to do than fight? Fighting isn't cool, fighting hurts. Chicks don't dig it either...but since you are probably wanting to fight since nobody likes you anyway it's irrelevant. You are the kind of special loser who will go try to fight your ex-girlfriend's new boyfriend...because you have a small penis. Cousin: Drives Fast Guy and Crotch Rocket Reservation at the Morgue Guy

4. Karaoke Guy: Don't confuse this guy with people who enjoy karaoke or people who can sing. Karaoke Guy does lots of things nobody should do...namely almost always chooses ballads and thinks he may be discovered by a record label at any moment. He'll also sit at the bar and ask you what you think of his song choices. If you are good at singing, he'll high five you after and say "I was gonna do that one." Every karaoke bar in the country has this guy in it.

5. Sunglasses Inside Guy: This fucktastic loser is found almost exclusively in the domain of losers: clubs. Must be all the techno and bright lights that require the shades inside. This guy parties with Tight T-Shirt Guy. Seriously, sunglasses exist for the sun. Unless you are Bono, take them off. They don't make you cool, they make you an unredeemable dickbag. Cousins: Overly Ornate Jeans Guy, Pointy Euro Trash Shoes Guy, Guy That Wears Any Shirt with Bedazzling, Glitter or Goldleaf.

6. Affliction T-Shirt Guy: Thank you Affliction and Ed Hardy for making it nearly impossible to buy clothing that doesn't suck. Nothing says punch me in the face like clothing inspired by punching people in the face. I'm 34 and I don't want skulls or snakes on my shirts. I'm also not going to wear a flat bill hat sideways. Honestly, there should be justifiable homicide clauses for this shit. Judge: "Mr. Host, why did you kill Mr. AssFace?" "Sir, look at this picture...he was also hanging out with Sunglasses Inside Guy and his Cousins." "I see your point, he needed killin', Case Dismissed." Cousins: all of #5.

7. Non-Participating Team Guy: You've seen this loser of all losers. You walk into Florida Field for a game against Tennessee. Then you see some idiot assclown decked out head to toe in Ohio State gear. Seriously, just because you are going to a football game, doesn't mean you need rock "football" gear. Get a fucking life or better yet, leave my state and get a ticket to your own team's games. Cousins: Lives in a City for Years But Talks About How Much Better Their Previous Home City Is Guy.

8. Golf Guy: This can really be any sport, but the main part of this is that the guy sucks at the sport. You've seen this guy. Latest in technology in the bag. Decked head to toe in trendy golf gear. Spiky hair out from under the visor. Has tags from all the courses he's played. Only hits expensive golf balls. Until you see the swing, you think the guy must be the shizz. Of course, when he shoots 122 and loses 2 dozen golf balls you have to listen to "Man, I don't know what was going on, I never play that bad. I think I have a hitch in my swing. I better get to the range." Yep, to the shooting range so I can put you and me out of our misery.

9. Over the Top Christian Guy: I Love My Wife bumper sticker, check. Have a blessed day, check. Isn't God Great, check. Knock off T-shirts that have God sayings looking like other current trends, check. Jesus Fish on car, check. Why all the advertising? Who the hell are you trying to convince? Let me give you a hint, you'll never convince me so just keep that shit to yourself. I'm not going to your church. I'm not going to listen about salvation. It's a personal thing, and personally I hate you. Keep your private stuff, private. I don't wear T-shirts that say I like to fornicate and drink and gamble. I don't have a "There is no heaven and you are stupid" bumper sticker on my car. I don't try to scare you that your life will end badly. Actually, you are probably missing out on life, so it's already bad for you. Believe what you want...just don't condemn those of us who choose to think you are stupid. For your actions, not your beliefs.

10. Fantasy Football Guy: I'm going to make this easy. You are not a coach. You are not "resting" Reggie Bush. You are not "sitting" Jake Delhomme. Your "team" is not winning. Your "defense" is not killing it. What you are doing is being a complete waste of oxygen. Take your laptop out of the bar, tie it around your ankles and jump into the ocean. Pick a real team and cheer for it. Then next year when your friends say let's have a draft, you say sure, I'll have a Miller Lite. You are probably still a loser but at least I can respect you...somewhat.

I quit...

I've decided to give up...throw in towel...take a knee...toss up my hands in disgust and walk away. Every time I turn around there is some new and fantastic way that the government has found its way into my pocket. I drive on uneven roads incapable of handling the volume demanded of them and wait in line for the toll booths. On my pay stub I see something labeled as a fringe benefit but it is actually a bill for a car I am required to drive for my job and actually lose pay...right before the holidays...with no warning! I see patients every day that have not taken care of themseleves in their entire life and as a result, recieve life saving devices paid for by the taxpayers. Now there is talk of taxing my "cadillac" healthcare benefits that, as far as I'm concerned, is a benefit that is agreed upon by me and my company. It's not like Bos Sci comes down and says, "Anthony, we can give you a good medical option, or a crummy one for the same price...which would you prefer...?" I see delivery trucks all over this city that need to park but can't and I see their windows littered with parking tickets that up the cost required to bring me goods and cost me more money.

I used to think it was just part of the deal. My parents have long said "just don't think about it, there's nothing you can do". But they were wrong...the only way this system works is for the able bodied and driven minds to work harder and harder. Those that do and succeed will encounter resistance at all levels and feel guilt from those that have only "need" and no guilt. Well, I don't think I want to play that game any more. The government used to be my biggest problem...what if I became the governments biggest problem and just quit? I'm your problem now...feed me, put me in clothes, give me a house, insure me, protect me...it's all up to you BO...after all, this is the greatest country in the world, I shouldn't have to want for anything, or work for anything since there are so many others with so much...what about what I need? Working for it sure hasn't guaranteed me anything...so I guess I'll just ask for it. I wonder what I'll do with all that stuff once it gets here...

"Now I Send Back Letters From The Wasteland Home"

See that picture there on the right? Looks pretty doesn't it? When you are sitting in your warm living room sipping on a nice bourbon, it really is. The rest of the time it pretty much sucks. Being a Florida boy and life long resident of The T, I have been slow to adjust to this snowy environment. Very early one morning this past week I was driving to the airport (which is about half way to Kansas, by the way) when my widsheild became totally caked with dirt and snow. I literally couldn't see a thing. I tried to clear my sightline by using the wiper fluid. Unfortunatley it was frozen solid. Without the liquid, all my wipers did was smear the smutz around, makig things even worse. My only option was to lower my driver's side window and drive the rest of the way with my head out the window. It was 6 degrees. My point being, why do people intentionally live this way? There are climates right here in America where it never ever snows. And I long to move back to the one from which I came. I feel that in the three months we have been here, I have fully experienced The D. I have gone to the mountains. I have driven to Blackhawk to gamble. I have even sampled the margaritas at Hacienda. Been there, done that, ready to come home. At least Dog loves the snow. Chasing snowballs is her new favorite pastime. Unfortunaley for me, she usually pursues this pastime while I am shoveling out from under several feet of snow and fighting off frost bite in my hands.

Things that I don't understand...

1) The baggage fee on all air carriers (except Southwest)
2) Why the President feels it is neccessary to bow 110 degrees to the emperor of a country that we dropped a nuclear weapon on in anger...twice!! "Um, yeah, we're cool now right, let me just, um, get down here in front of you, bow, and um, yeah, that better?"
3) Spanish
4) Why people live in the northeast on purpose. I mean, I get the whole "my parents live here and their parents before them" thing but for people like me that use to live in FL, why stay? Is it the gloomy weather, the high taxes, the traffic. ..? I also hear the VA is nice.
5) Why the NFL continues to recognize the Oakland Raiders as a team
6) How ESPN can fill 2 full weeks of programming on "Brett Favre meets his former team" and then like 3 weeks later, "Brett Favre returns to Green Bay"
7) Why people watch the show House
8) Why anybody would move to Denver

The Weekend That Was

So this past weekend was my annual "Guys Weekend" excursion. This one consisted of Gainesville, a RV, low country boil, Friends, a cabaret, Gator Football, cool Arkansas fans, pizza, and of course way too much drinking.

First things first, this trip was not the same because GF's job prevented him from joining us this year. He was missed.

Day 1: Ant'ny, The Host, Tyler (my nephew), and I got the RV on the road at about 1:30 Friday afternoon. It was a pretty uneventful beginning to the trip. Dumped some poo, got gas and Diet Dew, and listened some DBT. We thought the RV lot didn't open till 6PM so we decided that we should stop at The Cafe. Ummm...normally we are upstanding young men that don't partake in such activities but we had to pass the time somehow. Those that have made the drive to Gainesville know what Cafe I am talking about. There are signs everywhere. Oh and they have Free Trucker Showers. (That will be important later). Well we sit down order some food and drinks and force ourselves to watch the entertainment. We are not there 5 minutes and a young lady comes running out from the "private" area. Right behind her was a young man with a very uneasy confused and embarrassed look on his face. Either he has no shame or he was just so befuddled that he didn’t know what was going on, but he didn't even attempt to cover his........how do you say this nice....man gravy spots all over his shirt. We all start dying laughing. Then all the girls on stage start laughing, one blurts out "Hell yeah I want a dance from that girl". Dude picks up his bill, slowly and quietly makes his way to the door and leaves. Sometime later the victim of his misfortune makes her way out of the restroom and eventually engages us of our willingness to join her in that same private area. We did not, but her approaching us allowed us the opportunity to question her about her very own little "Clinton" incident. She did not want to talk about it but we persisted. She finally opened up and said "you know it happens, but give me a freaking warning". The Host, without missing a beat, says “well you at least you have Free Trucker Showers”. I lost it and couldn't stop laughing. On the road again we finish up the trip and arrive at the RV lot about 5:15. Apparently it opened earlier than the 6PM that we thought, because there are not many spots left. Even still we get a really good one right in the middle of the park. Since I was driving, and couldn't drink because of that, the fact that everyone else was drinking, and I have the mental make-up of a teenager, I began to slam beers in attempt to "catch up". This is never a good idea, which by the way I tell myself every time, and still always do it. Like I said a teenager. Not even done with one beer, I trip coming out the door of the RV with the cooler and break my ankle. Ok I didn't break it but for the rest of the weekend it felt like someone had hit me with a sledge hammer on my foot. This act causes me to think "just drink more and the pain will go away". Like I said teenag......nevermind. After sitting in the RV for like 45 minutes because it was raining, we begin to set up, and drink. Anthony and I walk to the store for some stuff I forgot to pack, which is what I do, and some beer, which is what we drank maybe a keg a piece of this weekend. After we get back I begin cooking. Like I said I forget to pack things so we had no knife, well no cooking utensils at all. So I cut everything with a pair of scissors and stir it with a large metal something that I found in one of the storage things of the RV. I cleaned it! The Host, helping me because I was busy playing beer pong with Anthony and Tyler, lights a towel on fire. You had to be there, but him screaming "FIRE FIRE" while swinging the towel around was freaking hilarious. Even though it sounds like a total cluster F#CK the food was fantastic. Made way too much, so we fed some of the guys who work the RV lot, and gave them some Natty Light. Always be nice to the guys that work where you tailgate! After debating going down to University or staying at the RV and drink. We went to University. So the three of us get dressed, and call a cab. Our cab driver was a very nice young man who hated everyone and everything. "Yes sir where can I take you, and oh by the way the world sucks as does everyone in it". That was not the actual conversation because I was already pretty drunk so I don't remember, but close enough. As I said I was pretty drunk so I don't remember much of the rest of this part of the night. Two of us went to The Swamp and Anthony went...well I don't know where he went. I don't remember how we got home. I imagine by cab. The rest of the night was kinda in and out of coherent thoughts, but I know I was drunk texting and FaceBooking till after 3 AM. I also remember one of us purged his alcohol consumption at some point during that 3 AM time period. Nice beginning to the weekend.

Day 2: It is tradition that The Host wakes us all with a song when staying in the RV. This year Ant'ny and I were both awake before The Host, but still were greeted by song when he woke. If I remember correctly we were serenaded this year with "A Whole New World". I woke at around 7AM. I don't know why so early, but I did. As I cracked a beer Ant'ny went for a 6 mile run. Yes I hate him too. After his return we all got took warm showers, (At least I got that right this year), got dressed, did a shot of Jager (No idea why), loaded up with beer, Captain and a funnel(Again no idea why), and headed to the normal tailgate spot to meet Pauly. When we arrive Pauly is impressively half way done with a handle of Jack. This next part may have been the coolest part of the whole weekend. SEC fans for the most part are cordial and not many are a-holes, but I have never really talked for long with any. The people we met Saturday were the coolest opposing fans I have ever met. Hell they were cooler than most of the UF fans I have ever met. 20, maybe 30 years our senior, and reminded me of what our group will be like when we are their age. We hung at their car for about an hour drinking their hooch and just shooting the sh!t. When it was time to head to University they walked with us and we went to lunch. Truly a great group of people who we got contact information from that I hope we see again. After this we hung at the Jacksonville crews tailgate till it was time to go in. The game was a nightmare with a happy ending if you were a Gator fan. The Gators couldn't seem to do anything right and the game felt so much like the Ole Miss game from the year before. Fortunately they pulled it out in the end with help from my magical talent. Not so magical, I got embarrassingly surly and screamed things that probably made others in our group mad at me. I tend to do that, and no matter what I do, I can't seem to not make an ass out of myself almost every time the game is close. I do this weather drinking or not too. I just get way to into the game and can't handle it. After we went back to the Jacksonville crews tailgate. Honestly I would really like to get into what happened the rest of the night but I don't really remember. I know we stayed at the tailgate for awhile, ate a metric ton of pizza with a couple of pitchers of beer, took a cab back to the RV, and well I don't know. I know we were up at 3 because my FaceBook tells me Danny and I were still going strong, but I don't remember much. Next thing I remember is waking up in the morning with the "I hate not remembering things from the night before" feeling and begin my inevitable self loathing "you are so stupid, what did you do" crap that will take a week to pass. Those feeling don't over power the feeling of I had an awesome time with great friends and the Gators won. What a weekend.

Day 3: Not much to report here. Drove home, stopping at Publix for a sandwich that I devoured in 1.3 seconds and made it home for the first time ever without having to stop and pee. Probably because I was so dehydrated that I had nothing to pee, but I still was proud of myself. The Host and Ant'ny went to Hooters to meet with GF's father. Even after the weekend we had they sat and drank for 8 hours. Their father, some sports stars, Ghandi….just a few of the responses one would get if they were asked to name their heroes. While those might be on my list too, The Host and Ant'ny have now been added near the top of that list. Yes I know my hero criteria may seem a little screwed up, but that is a wondrous accomplishment to me.

Nothing better than hangin with my best friends. Let the countdown start for next years trip.

"Rocky Mountain high, Colorado..."

I apologize for the very lame subject quote to this post. It is late and I am tired. I have been remiss in not posting sooner, but to be quite honest, I am a bit self centered and I have enjoyed Frank's tribute to me being the last post because it effectively illustrates how awesome the times I have with these guys have been . Be that as it may, it is time to get this baby fired back up. As has been eluded to by the other Five Guys, I am have relocated from the T to the D for professional reasons. I will say it is both silly and humbling for someone with my very limited skill set to be so aggressively pursued by a company. They offered large salaries, they acquiesced to preposterous demands, they even sent limos. It ain't been all bad. There was celebration for the opportunity and sadness for leaving family and friends. There was packing, loading, and a cross country drive. Now that it is all said and done, Mrs. GF, Dog, and I are settled in our new city and I have begun my new job. There are a number of things about this city that I am still adjusting to. For one, the sun is 10,000 times more brilliant here than I have ever experienced. I find that I am constantly squinting. Now, the sun is several million miles away from the earth. You wouldn't think that being one mile closer to it would make a difference, but apparently it does. I may turn into one of those douchebags who wears my sunglasses on a strap around my neck. The second thing I have noticed is the startling lack of oxygen. I am a man who enjoys breathing. Whether it is while exercising, grocery shopping, walking up the stairs to bed, or enjoying a beer. My body demands air. This city is populated by robots who apparently can live without breathing. Another unfortunate side effect of the lack of oxygen is dehydration. I have had a headache and skin that looks like pork cracklin' for the past three weeks, and no amount of Gatorade or Jergens seem to help (though Mrs. GF has suggested DRINKING the Gatorade and RUBBING the Jergens). There are many other things that make adjusting to this new place difficult; snow (yeah, already), the lack of friends (I'm used to being popular), missing Tebow's last season in Gainesville, and any number of other things. The coming weeks will be interesting. More to follow.

I got dirt in my eye.

I am not good with the words and I may get my man card pulled for it, but here goes nothing.

I am what I would consider a “Guys guy”. I have like no tolerance for crying, show very little emotions towards anything….well other than the Gators, Bucs and my two girls, and have a distain for any guy that says “my wife/girlfriend loves that I am in touch with my feminine side”. Little does she know he really likes the peter. Sorry back to the point. I laughed at the movie Titanic, got mad at my wife for crying over a relative dying (it was distant she was being crazy), and almost fought a guy once because he kept wanting to tell me about his feelings.

All that is why I find it really difficult to understand the feelings I am having because one of the Five Guys is moving out of state for employment opportunities. I am overwhelmingly happy for GF because the opportunity is amazing, yet I can’t get over this nagging depressed feeling I have that he will be thousands of miles away.

He’s the guy that I can text almost any day of the week and he will make himself available for lunch (with beers) even if he has to re-arrange his schedule. He drinks beer with me at 7 in the morning at Bucs training camp with other fans (including our own friends) looking at us like drunk degenerates. He will hang even after being turned down at bungee jumping because we had been over served, and walk the Vegas strip for 4 hours looking for a burrito only to be turned down time and again, but GF was with me till the end. By the way I still don’t understand how you can be too drunk to bungee jump but I digress. Same trip, and maybe even same night, has bought two 40s with me to walk what looked like a very short distance from Rio to Harrah’s because….well because it sounded cool. It was not short so we ran out of beer and I have a tiny bladder, but who cares we had a blast. He was there to watch the sunrise with me in Biloxi Mississippi, Joshua Tree National Forest and some others. These two are just the most memorable because they were preceded by a night of being poured into a cab 20 minutes before the sunrise, unable to form words that would be understood in any language, but righting the ship in time to see the marvelous site from the hot tub of the Grand Hotel with cocktail in hand. The other was after spending the night sleeping with coyotes, literally, and waking to see the sun rise over the California desert.

I could go on and on as there are thousands more stories like these, and they are all just as great and funny. They are though, my “Guys Guy” way of trying to use humor to distract from this unusual and very unsettling situation for me. My wife would say it's nice to see your human, but you can keep this having feelings crap. My point is GF has been there for almost every memorable moment in my life, the great ones, like the ones listed above, and some not so great ones. He is a true friend for life, and thousands of miles won’t change anything, but I am going to miss the hell out of him. At least we all have a place to go skiing. Okay enough of this girly sh1t. GO GATORS!!!!!

"Everything Dies, Baby that's a fact, But maybe everything that dies, someday comes back"

My friend and partner in crime took a knee this weekend, almost a year to the day that his best friend went to the great squirrel hunting grounds in the sky. Luckily, I was in town on bid'ness and was able to say goodbye.

I first met Tonto at a dog pound near HCC. The night I brought him home he threw up all over, well, everything and had diarrhea. I took him to the vet the next day and he told me that the dog had parvo and unless I gave him $800 he would die. I did not have $800 so I took him home and prepared for the inevitable and 10 short years later the vet turned out to be right.

Tonto and I shared many a night drinking beer and watching tv. He also had a 2nd home with my sister in Tampa, which is pretty impressive in this economy! He was an amazing animal that brought out the best in the people he met. I learned a lot from that dog, here are just a few of my thoughts:

1) Be nice to all you meet and you will be treated well. Tonto was nice to everybody he met and it brought out a lot of loyalty from people. I can't tell you how many people offered to take him or watch him just because they liked him so much. I got a lot of free kennel days out of it too.

2) When confronted with new surroundings jump in with both feet and it will all work out fine. One of the kennels that Tonto stayed at belonged to a lady that bred Great Danes. I could not believe how big those dogs were, and I'm 6'1"!! But Tonto just ran right up to them and acted like he was at home and those dogs loved it when he came to visit.

3) If you're going to poo in your neighbors yard, you'd better ask if it's ok first.

4) Friends and family are what life is all about. I remember countless episodes of Rufus and Tonto getting in to mischief when I lived w/ Gary in Carpenters Run (probably the best time of my life btw). Rufus would sleep outside my door and vice versa on the weekend, waiting on his buddy to come out and play. Those two really got along and showed me that life is a lot better when you've got pals. Thanks to Gary, Kris, and Edbud, Tonto was laid to rest beside his buddy on the Foster Ranch...Gary is one of those true friends and its fitting that our pals passed away a year apart and get to be near each other forever.

Good bye and God Speed Tonto...you were a great dog, an outstanding listener, and loved by all you came across.

Tonto "The Big Eared Shepard"

08-1-1999 - 06-20-2009

R.I.P.

"Vindicated. I am selfish, I am wrong. I am right, I swear I'm right..."

First let me say that we here at the Five Guys are about the furthest thing from racist that you can imagine. But we are also pretty far from being apologists. Earlier this week the U.S. Senate issued a formal apology for the injustices of slavery. Who this apology was directed at remains a mystery. Slavery was abolished 144 years ago so there is absolutely no one alive who was affected by it. This is not to diminish the struggles of the civil rights movement, the idiocy of Jim Crowe, or even the on going struggle for true racial equality. But what exactly was the purpose for this apology? Did our government just now realize that slavery was wrong? Have we known for years but stubbornly refused to apologize because we were afraid that admitting that allowing one human to own another human is inherently wrong would weaken us in the eyes of our more barbaric allies? The truth is this apology at best, means nothing and at worst is incredibly insulting. People that in some way feel vindicated by this gesture are morons. We all know slavery was more than wrong. It was a monstrosity. Without a doubt the biggest blight on an otherwise proud American history. With that said, in this day and age people are accountable for their own successes or failures, whether they want to admit it or not. Regardless of race, if you are a success you get to take credit for that. Conversely, if you are gutter trash, it is no one's fault but your own, including some racist landbaron who may have (but very likely didn't) own your great grandfather.

"I'm not breaking down, I'm breaking out"

I've had it with the term "in these tough economic times". I've heard it used in many different forums but it always seems to be used as an excuse to reward less than what is earned based on inefficiencies and poor planning. Another one of the "five guys" team has become a victim of this way of thinking and his 10+ years of service to a single company (unheard of in this day and age) has been given 2 weeks to find another position in a company that just eliminated his or it's streetsville for him.

If you've read our blog (the count is up to 6 people now that Allison chimed in) then you know how the host feels about the World. Every single member of this blog has been effected by unemployment or the threat of unemployment in the past year...a pretty compelling stat. It's a cruel world and one that's not getting any easier...but whoever said it was supposed to be easy?

Seriously...who here got that little certificate when they were born that stated "Nothing Bad Will Ever Happen To the Bearer of this Document"? When times are tough at home couples either quite or band together. When times are tough on the ball field teams either change strategies or lose. But, for some reason, when times get tough for companies, the same husbands and wives that work harder at home to keep things together, make the easy decision to cut "other" people, masking inefficiencies that made them unable to compete, and creating new areas of waste that will make it impossible to be competitive in the future. It's so counterintuitive that I can't process it. The only counter argument I can think of is "think about it from the CEO's standpoint, he's responsible to the shareholders to make a profit, somethings got to be done". I still say that's very shortsighted, people are the only asset that you can truly mesure expenditures toward. A CEO can see how much he/she is paying to a department or individual and it's easy to make that number 0. But it's harder to measure day to day output and intangible contributions that come from an experienced staff...it's the kind of cut that bleeds slowly and steadily for years.

I know our friend will be fine. 'Merica was built on the backs of men like him that see adversity, take it head on and when punched in the gut, drink some tequila, roll up the sleeves, and take the fight right back to the enemy. He, like few others, understands that shit happens in this world and when it does, fuck it, drive on. Everybody loves the rally cap and the comeback story because everybody wishes they were somebody. Somebody that can. Well I think our pasts have shown that our friend is somebody that can.

So come on World...that the best you got! Maybe in these tough economic times you've gotten a little weak in the "doling out shit" department...see ya in a couple weeks when we right this ship and start kicking your ass again.

"You don't need the bullet, when you got the ballot"

A couple weeks ago President BO named his first Supreme Court nominee. As always happens when a new nominee is named, the circus came to The Beltway. As soon as Judge Sotomayor was nominated, Republicans immediately decried the choice for no apparent reason and Democrats lauded it, also for no apparent reason. The biggest criticism of Sotomayor has been her voting record as it relates to race issues. Many Republican leaders consistently level a charge of reverse racism against her. As with so many things our elected officials do, this is inherently stupid. There is no such thing as "reverse racism". Racism is when a member of one race holds prejudice against or dislike of members of another race based on no other factors than their ethnic background. You are either a racist or you are not (she most certainly is). If there was such a thing as "reverse racism", that would actually be a good thing. It would, by definition, be the absence of these prejudices. It is, in fact, what we should all be striving for. So while the Republicans need to get a better understanding of proper nomenclature, they are probably on the right path because Judge Sotomayor has a record of prejudices against Caucasians. Whether that comes from her background as a minority is inconsequential. It also comes off as a bit disingenuous coming from a graduate of Yale Law school. Regardless, she will no doubt be confirmed based in large part to her ethnic background and the Democratic majority in Congress. So, really, all of this is political grandstanding in its most appalling form.

“BUT YOU DON’T HAVE TO CALL ME DARLIN’, DARLIN’, YOU NEVER EVEN CALLED ME BY MY NAME”

Last Saturday was the rarest of occasions. All five of the Five Guys were brought together in one location by the wedding of Pauly’s sister. As we have all known Pauly’s Sis for basically the entirety oh her life, this was more than just some wedding, it was a momentous family affair. The event took place on a beautiful stretch of beach, the weather could not have been better, and, most importantly, it gave us occasion for all of our favorite activities tomfoolery, shenanigans, highjinks, and so on. There was drinking and joking and cigar smoking. Pauly actually performed the ceremony despite having no official religious capacity. As the evening wore on Frank did The Worm as he is wont to do, causing his wife to get mad, which she is wont to do. It seemed no one wanted the evening to end. As a final last song request the DJ, having no idea what he was in for, agreed to play a David Allen Coe classic. While The Host has owned this song in various karaoke joints across the Southeast, this time the other four of us joined in a formed a perfect chorus of drunken caterwauling. So loud, off key, and incredibly awesome was it, that the guys from the bar scene in Top Gun would have been offended. Impromptu lyric swaps and mild forms of “dancing” were incorporated. While the performance was officially directed at the Bride, it played to, everyone else at the wedding, the entire restaurant, and various passers by on the beach. Upon completion it was loudly applauded and we were told by many (the bride included) that it was the highlight of the evening. While everyone seemed to enjoy our non-sense, as Frank would later point out, it wasn’t really about them. It was just about us, and The Five Guys doing what we do best. Having GDTYMZ.

An Open Letter

Dear World-

I apologize if this comes off as a bit harsh, but I am not sure I am a big fan of yours. That's not to say I am looking to leave you in short order nor do I feel it's entirely your fault. Also, given the current evidence, it appears you aren't a huge fan of mine. So, hey, I guess we can call it even in that regard.

But, since I have access to this blog and you don't (presumably), you will listen to every damn word I have to say. If you want to retort, hey you are the world and given that I would consider CNN, Fox, etc. your retort, I think you may fall short. Anything personally related to me, well, I'll own that if you can find a way to post it.

So here is my evidence against you Mr. World and why I have decided I am not a huge fan:

- In your current state, Britney Spears is a multi-millionaire and Jason Isbell, Patterson Hood, DBT, Bright Eyes, and Band of Horses toil in obscurity and semi-poverty. They all make some of the most enlightened and best music out today, but you wouldn't know. You are more concerned with idiot Program Directors, ad sales, proper radio formats, etc. What's the matter World, sorry I cracked your Poker Face?

- Sandra Cantu, Jessica Lunsford, the Amber Alert namesake, etc. Can you answer for those? More importantly can you answer for the John Couey's and Ronald McTear's of the world? I'm not so much saying it's your fault, but since it's not mine and I can't find anyone else to pin it on, you have to own it. There's also whoever killed JonBenet (not to mention the parents who allow their children in those "pageants").

- Yesterday was my 5th Mother's Day without my mom. You're just cruel there.

- Over the past 20 years you have sat by while people amassed untold fortunes as the people who make this world tick were more and more marginalized. When the practices of the few led to the most dramatic economic dropoff in memory, it's the marginalized who pay the price even deeper. Cut someone's income from $1 billion to $500 million and they might flinch. Cut someone's income from $100,000 to $50,000 and that's real pain, man. Is it too much to ask of you for a little consideration? While you are considering, wages that keep up with the cost of living would be a good start. I'm just saying.

- I still can't go to Cuba. Add that to your list of "Things to Work On" that Mrs. World has laying around for you. You can list it under more pressing items on her list like: Clean up the pool (which in your instance is the 2/3 of you covered in water), Fix the heater (dude you are getting warmer every year...maybe you should actually check your A/C), landscaping (you have a lot to make up for after years of clear cutting jungles, forests, etc.). You get the picture. But since it seems you aren't really working very hard on the other items, I'll take Cuba.

- Right now, on you, the most powerful law-making group on you is having hearings about whether or not there should be a playoff in college football (there should and you should wield any influence you have in that regard). However, if you could get them to maybe focus on unemployment, North Korea, Afghanistan, Iraq, Ahmadenijad, a resurgent and angry Russia, China, starving people in the US, human rights around the globe and in the US and about 500 other things I don't have time to mention here, I would appreciate it. I also think the majority of your citizenry will appreciate it. But I can't speak for them.

- Some of the smartest people on you sent people to the moon (or at least you were smart enough to fool them from a Hollywood basement). How is it you can't get us off gas and oil? Are you afraid of Big Money too?

- Not sure where you come down on Miss California, but judging from what's out there in press, you are wrong.

- Do you have anything to say for Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld?

- Any chance you can settle that Israel - Palestine thing? While you're working that and in the mood India - Pakistan, Pakistan - Afghanistan and the U.S. - Everybody else probably needs some work too. The latter as a result of you not having a good answer to the last question.

- Your "heroes" make millions playing games, driving fast or playing people they aren't. Your heroes make a pittance getting killed overseas, putting out fires, saving lives and arresting bad guys. Not to mention those who teach or assist those in more need than themselves. You should really look into this.

- If you have any time left and you can devote some to my personal life...I sure could use some help.

So, anyway, I know you are big and there's a lot going on but I think you can do better. I mean, you represent all of humanity and I really don't want to lose faith though I fear I might. I need to know there is hope. So, maybe in the next few weeks or months one or more of these can see some improvement. It might be asking a lot, but you have big shoulders. I have confidence, albeit waning, but I'm still here with you.

Sorry for our first correspondence to be so negative. Should you fix any of the above, I'll be sure to write you a nicer letter.

Sincerely,
Me.

PBRs, Great Music, and 2 AM

Three of us went to see Jason Isbell and the 400 Unit last night. I will let our music aficionado give you a more detailed description/opinion of the show if he so chooses, but in my simpleton summation...IT ROCKED. The opening act we all agreed was pretty good. I bought a CD and got a t-shirt for free, neither of which are right here in front of me, so I don't remember their name. Like I said we all thought they were good, but once Isbell came on stage there was a noticeable difference in good and great music. I have been to two Isbell shows and he doesn't disappoint. They mixed in some Truckers tunes with a lot of his solo stuff. That’s as extensive as my music reviews get.

As to the other two descriptors in the title, the tall boy PBRs went down way to easy and 2 AM came way too soon. These two issues lead a very tuff 6 AM wake-up. Even with that being said, hagin with the guys, listening to one of our favorite bands, and drinking ice cold PBRs is worth any amount of hang-over pain.

“We’re gonna fuel the fire, gonna stoke it up. We’re gonna sip this wine, and pass the cup. Who needs avenues, who needs reservoirs"

I thought it necessary to respond to Ant’ny’s post about living up in New York. And that response is this: Don’t lie! You love it up there. You think “The City” is “Alive”. You love the unique “electricity” and think it’s awesome that you can get anything your little heart desires to eat at 3:00 in the morning. You tell yourself these and myriad other douchy things that all New Yorkers tell themselves to justify the fact that they live a cold, overcrowded cesspool….er, “melting pot” of a city. Yeah, you love it there.

I kid Ant’ny. We love you kid. Just come on home.

**A couple of side notes:
-My title to this post is related in the same brilliant way that the title to Ant’ny’s last post was.
-Mrs. GF will be up in NYC next week. She actually does love it up there.

"Sit and drink pennyroyal tea"

It's May right? By all accounts, groundhogs included, surely it should be spring by now (yes, and don't call me Shirly). Then why in the whales vagina am I sitting in a coffee shop in a 50 degree drizzle that has been ongoing since Wednesday of last week!! Seriously! I don't know how people from here, Seattle, or Alaska do it. I require sunshine, mild temperatures, and at least the prospect of a beach and good times. If you read my previous blog you might be confused, I made NY sound so positive...trust me, nobody is more confused than I am regarding the weather in this part of the country. Take me to FL...STAT, ASAP, insert other useless acronym here just get me in the sun and fun before I end up at the top of a tall structure with a deer rifle.

PS--I'm guessing only Gary will get the title reference

"You'll be missed Miss California. You'll be loved by only me"

Let me preface this post by saying that I have no opinion on gay marriage. My heart tells me one thing and my head tells me another. I am also a man who is married to a person with lady parts so I think it would be pretty arrogant of me to assume that I can understand the other side of the story. I also normally wouldn't comment on Donald Trump owned beauty pageants unless there was some comedic benefit involved. With that said, I absolutely love Miss California and her "I believe marriage should be between a man and a woman" stance. What I love even more is her refusal to back down or apologize in the face of criticism from the leftist media, C list Hollywood stars, and official gay douchebag spokesman Perez Hilton. You see, this is still America and one of the greatest freedoms that we have is the freedom to voice an opinion, no matter how unpopular it may be. In this particular case over the half the country agrees with the "unpopular" opinion, yet somehow sweet little Miss California has become the poster child for gay bashing and intolerance. I admire her poise and moxy in the face of this B.S. firestorm.

The End.

No Bueno Fiesta

I finally took the time and searched through my email and found my log on and password. I will forget it again in a week or two, but I am finally going to make a post on my own.

Last week for work I had to make a last minute work trip to Mexico City. Yes the same Mexico City that is the epicenter of the swin flu pandemic. I will eventually get to that but I wrote an email that I found kinda funny about my experience after only my first two days of the trip and I thought I would take this rare opportunity of knowing my password to contribute and expand on the email.

1. There is no English ESPN here. They don't call it ESPN Deportes either it is just ESPN

2. I do not know what 120-130 KMH translates to MPH but I know 120-130 KMH down the side of a winding mountain road translates into Frank thinking he is going to crap his pants in fear they are going to fly off the side of the mountain.

3. Animals graze everywhere. Side of the interstate, in the hotel grass next to the parking lot, and on the side of a mountain that I have no idea how they got there.

4. Dogs are everywhere. None have owners but look fairly healthy. They also sell puppies at the toll booths. Yesterday a stray followed me out of the gas station and while my driver was pumping gas it jumped in the car and spilled my coffee all over me. Really weird experience, especially when I was uncomfortable when the driver kick said dog.

5. Most who have been to Mexico know this but they try to sell you anything. Food, toys, as previously mentioned dogs, huge wooden sculptures of Jesus’s mother or just Jesus himself, furniture, and if you had enough money probably their children.

5. I know no Spanish whats so ever. My translator knows very little English. I know, then why is he my translator? I really don't know, but I hope they got a discount. This makes for a difficult working situation.

6. To expand on number 5 Very frustrating to say the least. Here is a few pointers to know if this ever happens to you. Speaking like a cave man does not help. For example saying the phrase "Could you please explain to me what information you want displayed on your computer screen" like this "you want I make you picture on screen look how" does not help at all. On the same note speaking like an American cave man trying to add Spanish accents onto words does not help either, and I think they actually might have been offended. Talking with your hands to point to things might make you look.....I tried to come up with a witty analogy about being stupid, but it makes you look stupid, and I am not really that witty so it wouldn't have worked anyway. It seems to be the most effective method though.

7. Anyone in this group will tell you when someone thinks something I did was funny I tend to run it into the ground. For example I am 33 years old and still do the worm when we happen to be at a dance club......come to think about anywhere that has music and I am drinking. Well Mexicans don't find things funny over and over again either. Me saying every time I was frustrated with them "Necesito una cerveza" was funny the first.... ummm 10 times. After 15 they just stopped laughing. At number 25 they walked away saying something in Spanish that didn't sound nice......I still pushed it to 30.

8. On the way back my driver was taking the normal route back to Mexico City. Without warning he pulls off the interstate and into a small town. 25 minutes of driving deep into the Mexican country side I have resided that I am pretty sure I am going to be on CNN in a couple of days with a story line "American Kidnapped in Mexico and Infuriates Captures Because No One Is Willing To Pay Money to Get Him Back". After another 5 to 10 minutes (felt like hours) we pull up to a shack (95% of the houses are shacks) . We pick up his brother who rides all the way back to Mexico City with us. Strange would not state properly the feeling of the rest of the drive back.

9. Mexicans can build anything out of cinder blocks. Well out of any kind of blocks at all. 500 ft crosses, billboard signs, huge buildings. That being said 90% of the houses are not complete. All are either missing a wall or a roof. Just thought this was weird.

10. So two days after getting there the news starts pouring in about the Pandemic of the Swin Flu. I am now inundated with email, texts, and phone calls. I was not in Mexico City at the time and no one seemed worried so I wasn't either. I get dropped off at my hotel in Mexico City Sunday night and it is everywhere. Everyone has on surgical masks and police are questioning anyone that didn't look like they should be in the hotel. The guy I was working with apparently thought copious amounts of Don Julio would kill any of that d@mn Swin Flu because I think we drank all that the hotel bar had in stock. The 5 AM wakeup to catch my flight hurt. Then after already checking out of the hotel I get a call from Delta. Your flight has been cancelled. Nothing about why, just your flight is cancelled. So of coarse the first thing I think is "great they are not letting anyone out of this god forsaking place". Get to the airport and it was just maintenance problems. So the fact that I still get to go home makes the fact that I now am stuck at the airport for 7 hours seem a lot less sucktastic. My boredom did have a positive effect for another board poster. He likes tequila very much and the chica caliente (hot chic) salesgirl talked me into what she said was a special bottle of tequila. So I boaght it for GF. I ask the tequila connoisseur board member later and he said "yeah you can pick that up at any liquor store in town". D@mn hot salesgirl! I am a sucker for hot woman and have realized that the senioritas are an even bigger weakness of mine.

11. 4 hours later and about 6 beers into the day, the whole airport bar starts to shake pretty hard. The Chili Pepper signs hanging over the bar are swinging and a couple of glasses fall. Btw off topic but I have realized there is a Chilis Too everywhere. Come to find out Mexico has just had a 5.6 earthquake. The old man bartender and I are talking and he says in his broken English. "That no earthquake, you have too many cerveza". Pretty much the only thing I understood him say all day and we shared a really good laugh. While that was funny all I can think is "holy crap I need to get out of this place, someone here has done something to infuriate what ever god they believe in and his/her wrath is going to take out the innocent along with the rest". Selfishly I was the only innocent I cared about.

12. Finally I am airborne and on the way home. First flight goes fine. In Atlanta I stop for dinner, at a Chillis Too, and see a gigantic human being and wonder how in the hell is he flying on an airplane..... He must have to buy two seats. I found out about two hours later that he did not b/c he is sitting right next to me. I of coarse am in the center seat. He sits down and has to literally force himself into the seat. I can hear the armrests screaming with the sounds of stress fractures and think any minute their going to give. His person is hanging all over me and what I thought would be the easiest and shortest part of my flight turned into the most excruciating flight ever. His roll that is touching me is really damp and just the thought of that makes me want to puke. The girl next to me is giggling. She is lucky I couldn't move because I might have slapped her. So you would think I would be the one who freaks out on the flight. Nope. He asks me what brought me to Atlanta. I told him I was flying home from work in Mexico. Should have never said that. He starts flipping out. "Oh my god I can't believe this, this is a sign of the end of the world and now you are sitting next to me. I have the worst f*cking luck in the world". I am thinking "you have the worst luck. Have you ever thought of what everyone that has to sit next to you goes through". He gets up a complains to the flight attendant. She lets him stand in the back of the plane till we land and gives him a surgical mask. I honestly didn't blame him too much. Then we land. He tries to run as fast as he can to the front of the plane hitting people left and right with his massive gut and ass, that I notice to my dismay was hanging out the back of his pants. He didn't make it too far, so I can now hear him on his phone saying that he was affraid he was going to die and that if he does his family will sue Delta Airlines. This is where it would have been awesome if I yelled "you are going to die soon anyway from being such a fat ass". I didn't though.

There is my story. No point to it just wanted to share.

"Some things you don't need until they leave you, they're the things that you miss"

I had a fantastic weekend in a very unlikely place...NY city (this is where the host ruptures a blood vessel in his brain because he hates it when I "big time" him). I started the weekend in a rather terrible way. I was supposed to meet up with my Aunt and Uncle in Washington D.C. I left early (2:30) from work in order to beat the traffic. At 5:00 I was 23 miles from where I started...still in bumper to bumper traffic and not in a very good mood (especially when you take into account the $15 in tolls this trip had already cost me). So, knowing when I've been beaten I gave up, turned around and slugged my way an additional 2 hrs back into the city. Total drive time, 5 hrs. Total mileage, about 45. Distance from where I started at 2:30 to where I ended at 7... 16 miles.

Now this debacle would usually be enough to ruin my weekend and bring out bitter Ant'ny...but I just laughed it off, went to a diner with my lady friend and watched the BoSox beat the Yankees in extra innings with cold beer and good company. On Saturday I went for a run through Central Park (9 miles) and then went had a picnic on the Great Meadow complete with beer, wine, and sunshine. Sunday was more of the same and commenced with dinner on a balcony overlooking the rat race. Now don't get me wrong...NY has a long list of things that I do not like. It's crowded, expensive, and it snowed twice in April. But, at least it gave me a little pleasure on what could have been a terrible weekend.

Tales from the Gym

I woke up this morning at 5:30 am to go the the gym...I do this sometimes, I do not know why. It always amuses me to see what signs are posted there. For instance, the yellow "Caution: Wet Floor" cone is there to help me figure out that tile floor in the shower area may cause a danger...I need that kind of help as I am very slow. I also take great amusement at reading the signs over hot tubs. I've seen some real fun rules like "throwing rocks, furniture, or missiles of any kind is strictly prohibited"...no shit! If you have open wounds, diarrea, or a child that is not bathroom trained please do not use hot tub...seriously, that needs to be written?

Sadly, I see no signs of any kind in place that could truly protect me. Like the "Caution: weird guy with fish-net boxer briefs stretching in main walkway" sign (could have used that sign this morning). Another helpful sign would be posted over the couch and read "Rubbing moisterizer or liquid of any kind on your frank and beans while watching ESPN is strictly prohibited".

I just can not get over the fact that guys think they are at home. I hear loud belches, lots of "hocking" up "loogies" and conversations that would make Andrew Dice Clay blush. I would be a lot happier in general if more folks realized the difference between publicly acceptable and privately acceptable...that's all I'm saying.

I know for a fact that the Five Guys have stories to add to this.

Married Math

In what will be a first on the Forum, we are going to share a little math equation with you. Frank (who still can't log in on his own) came up with something worth sharing.

Now I am not going to say every married dude has the same issues (but they do). I am not even going to say all married dudes will be able to sympathize (they can). What I will say, is that all of the stuff wives pull has to be true despite them saying it isn't. Proof: Put 100 dudes in a room, have one of them start venting on what it's like to have a wife and all other 99 will nod their heads. If somehow, you think you would be the lone standout (which if you do the math, is not offered as a possibility in my scenario), you are a liar...mostly to yourself. But the Five Guys know you are lying to your wife merely to make your life tolerable. Noble? Not in the slightest. Necessary? Afraid so.

I didn't make the rules. I also didn't follow them. And that's why I currently have no TV.

Anyway, on to the equation:

100% of the time I (Frank) get drunk = 100% wife will get mad

Drawn out in long form it is:

I (Frank) like to have fun divided by fact that wife is crazy, raving biatch multiplied by being a crazy woman that wants me (Frank) to be miserable = Frank wants to jump off a bridge

So, there you have it. I am not saying Frank is a genius or that the next Good Will Hunting will be about a character as genius as he is. But, Frank hits it pretty squarely on the head here and, like I said, the numbers don't lie. Do the math.

“But if you left it up to me everyday would be A holiday from real. We'd waste our weeks beneath the sun…”

I hate to sound too cliché, but it seems that lately all I do is work. And not work because of the reward, but work because of the risk. Despite putting in longer hours than ever before, I have less to show for it. The truth is, if things don’t turn around there is a very real possibility that in the coming months my position and perhaps my whole division will be eliminated. Thus I work. And when I am not working, I think about work. I stress about it. I obsess over it. This is so far from the kind of person that I have always been that it disgusts me. It is not how I have ever lived nor how I want to live.

So it is with this in mind that I proudly announce GF’s First Annual HOLIDAY FROM REAL (thank you Andrew McMahon). To be celebrated on May 15th, the HOLIDAY FROM REAL (HFR), will be a day totally devoid of worry, stress, or responsibility of any kind. I will not only ignore work and work related topics, I will flat out shun them. What will I do on HFR? Who knows. Maybe a keggar by the pool. Maybe the Beach. Maybe a trip to the casino before the White Man takes blackjack from the Seminoles….Maybe all of the above! All I know is that HFR will epitomize awesome and it will become an annual event (future dates to be determined). I invite any and all to join me on the 15th. It is not about blowing off work, it is about rejuvenation of the human spirit. Nothing short of survival is at stake.

Is Driving Really That Hard?

One of things I have been burning on lately is the shit that seems to happen on the road all the time these days. There are also a lot of things people do with their vehicles I just don't get. For the most part, I'm a pretty sedate guy...but some things just get you boiling. In no particular order some things that need to be pointed out:

- If you are on the Interstate and driving the exact same speed as the car next to you, get the hell behind of, or in front of, that car and quit blocking the whole road for Chrissakes. Actually, this goes for any multi-lane road now that I think about it.

- If you have a green light and the line of traffic is moving, do not even consider stopping to let someone turn out of a parking lot. That is the responsibility of the people coming up behind you who will be stopping when the light turns red. This kills me every time.

- Speaking of, don't sit at a stop sign and wave me through before you when you are supposed to go next. Just follow the established procedure of going when it is your turn in order of when you stopped. If everyone would do this there wouldn't be a reason to wave anyone through. You aren't being magnanimous, you are being a jackass.

- If you can't park it, don't f-ing drive it. Got that soccer mom who backs up and pulls in 33 times in a parking lot?

- If you have to wait more than 7.2 seconds for someone to vacate a parking spot, don't sit there and wait. Seriously, chances are you are the type of person (read: fatass) that needs the extra walk anyway. I was in a local establishment the other day and I parked, ran in got my stuff, paid and came out in time to pass the people waiting for a spot finally on their way in. Wanted to say something...didn't. So now I am... I hate you.

- I don't care what sport your kid plays, what his number is or what the name of the team is. Your vehicle is not a marketing tool for Junior's inconsequential accomplishments. If I was more of a jerk, I would recommend you get a life of your own. But I am not, so just stop doing it.

- Speaking of, if you have one of those stickers on the back of your car that is like a row of paper dolls representing your family, you are a loser. End of discussion. If yours happens to be the one with Mickey Mouse ears on each person including the little cat and dog, you are a hopeless loser. Again, I would say get a life of your own but that ship has clearly sailed.

- The election is over, remove the stickers.

- It rains 180 days a year in Florida, how in the hell can people still not drive in it?

- Those rims looked a lot cooler on the wall than they do on your car. Consequently, your car was much cooler before you got in it.

- Hitch nuts are almost the dumbest thing ever. The only thing worse is the owner of the vehicle.

Well, I think that about covers it. I welcome any additions.

Judge Not Lest Ye Be Judged

***Note from the Host: This is not mine. One of the Five Guys whose stage name is listed as Frank in the author section wrote it and it's funny. Additionally, although he is funny he cannot for the life of him remember any of the dozen or so logins I have given him for this site. So for that what does he get? Me being his bitch and posting for him. So loyal readers of this blog (ie: the other Four Guys) enjoy.***

So this morning I am driving my oldest daughter to school. I stop for gas and go inside to get me a Diet Dew. While in there a guy is reaching in the cooler two down from me and grabs two of the big beers. (I want to say 40s but I am pretty sure they don't sell 40s any more). My first thought is one of either empathy or sympathy, I am not quite sure but, I think to myself "man it must suck to have a problem where you are drinking at 7:30 in the morning." As I leave the store he was outside taking the first one down like he had been in the desert for 4 days and the big boy Natural Light was a bottle of water. Again I am amazed that someone could drink like that this early in the morning. Just then I have a thought of I am 100% positive I have seen GF and I pounding beers at 7:30 in the morning before and I am pretty sure we all have. Has someone been standing next to us and had the same thoughts of amazement and disgust for us? Then the fact that me and Joshawn (that was his name the attendant knows him and said it, I did not just make that up), my beer pounding friend, probably have something else in common. When all is said and done I don't think either one of us cares what the people around us think, and we are both just thinking about how fantastic this beer tastes.

"I fell in love with the girl at The Rock show"

**Couple of notes here. This is an old piece. The events described took place well before I met Mrs. GF. Also, despite the title of this post, we most certainly DID NOT fall in love. It is just a clever song lyric that fit this post pretty well. Overall, I was young and stupid and immature and whatever other appropriate disclosures need to be disclosed before we go any further. Ok, on with the story**

On a steamy summer day not unlike every other day this time of year in Florida the Warped Tour rolled through Vinoy Park. Given that the lineup was by far the strongest the Tour had offered in years and my overwhelming dislike for work on Fridays, attendance was imperative. I pulled into down town St. Pete about 1:00 p.m. and after an arduous search for a parking spot, took a short walk over to my friend Gina’s house where we met up with Tom and Ken, who would be rounding out our foursome for the day. It should be noted that I was wearing a plain white Hane’s t-shirt, khaki shorts, 12 year old Chuck Taylor’s (white), and very preppy, un-punk sun glasses. I bring this up because it will be important later. We walked down to Vinoy and arrived just in time to catch the last song of the Drop Kick Murphy’s set. This was a disappointment in that they are always a highlight not to be missed. The first full show we saw was the Street Dogs out of Boston. Fantastic! Full of energy and encouraging the kids in the crowd to create their destiny and be accountable for their own actions. Intense and angry without being depressing and apathetic. Very refreshing for this type of concert. After that set ended (all sets on the Warped Tour are 30 minutes regardless of how big the act is) we walked around for a while, got some beers, and headed back up to the main stage. Over the next couple of increasingly hot hours a few more bands played including The Transplants, Fall Out Boy, Hawthorn Heights, and MxPx. All were pretty good, but none stood out as show stoppers. It should be noted that Fall Out Boy is not as strong live as they are on the radio while Hawthorn Heights’ CD doesn’t do their stage show justice. After MxPx, and more beers, we decided to walk back over to one of the small stages and check out the Riverboat Gamblers. The lead singer of Street Dogs had urged us to do so and given that it looked as if he would take it personally if we didn’t, we obviously felt obliged. Great, great show. Perhaps the most charismatic front man I have ever seen live not named Springsteen. Looking like the love child of Iggy Pop and the Black Crow’s Chris Robinson, he worked the crowd with an array of slithering, shimying, microphone swinging, head banging, and eventually dancing off stage and out into the crowd to sing directly to members of the audience. Good tunes, high energy, and exceptional execution. Well done Riverboat Gamblers, well done. Early in the set a young lady walked up behind me, pinched my butt and said “nice game”. Not having any idea what she may be referring to, I asked her. Again she said “Nice game, you’re the only one here not trying too hard”. Then she walked away. I appreciated that very much. After the show we had a few minutes to spare to get a beer and make our way back to the main stage for the most anticipated band of the day, My Chemical Romance. As we were walking Tom saw a guy he knew from high school and a couple of people with him. One of these people was Rachel, a feisty blonde with very pretty blue eyes. And that my friends was GAME OVER. All of us hung out together for My Chemical Romance, which more than lived up to the hype. The only regret with their set was that, just like everyone else, they only had a half hour to play. In a moment of joking Rachel told me that I would propose to her by the end of the set, so as they wrapped up “Helena”, I got down on one knee and made a fairly ridiculous yet thoroughly amusing proposal. As I did this, quite a little crowd gathered around, most of whom, despite my obvious joking, thought it was serious. Thus the rest of the afternoon we got quite a few congratulations and one offer to buy our next beers. I really should get fake engaged more often. I was supposed to leave after MCR due to obligations the following day. I did not. The last three bands were The Starting Line, Story of the Year, and The Offspring. I heard all these bands in a passing sense from down by the water where I was taking in some good conversation and continuing my long standing tradition of getting drunk and making out with girls. Overall, it was a fantastic day.

“Why The Drama, We Don't Have To Drag Out This Situation. It wasn't you, it wasn't me, sometimes the chemistry don't ignite"

It has been way too long since we had a posting here at the Five Guys, and to be fair there is only one of us who contributes any more anyway. So to try and prop this thing back up I am doing two posts today. The first is a story from this weekend and the second is a piece I wrote four years ago that gives some back story on a character I am about to mention.
Last Saturday The Host, Pauly, and I decided to take in the Sport of Kings. We spent the afternoon at our local track making $2 bets and drinking a staggering amount of 8 oz. dollar beers. We noticed that there was an engagement party taking place out on the veranda of the Clubhouse. The bridal party strolled by quite a few times to get drinks and place bets. At one point when the bride-to-be walked particularly close to the three of us I got a good look at her, nearly choked on my beer, and blurted out “I have made out with her”! Sure enough, this gal was one of the last people that I dated before meeting the future Mrs. GF. We met at a rock concert one afternoon and went out a time or two after that. While it was not scandalous or acrimonious, it was some what awkward to run into her in the context of her engagement party. I didn’t talk to her though I did run into her fiancée at the bar. Things I did say to him included, “I won 80 cents on that last race, how’d you do”? Things I did not say to him included, “your wife-to-be is a good kisser and it looks like she got a new set of Diacos since the last time I saw her, so Congrats”. Cause I like to keep it classy.

"I've been sittin' here wasting time; drinkin', smokin', trying to ease my mind"

I woke up this morning in San Antonio. This is not such a startling revelation when taking into account that I fell asleep last night in San Antonio. But with as much as I have been traveling lately, there is always that moment right after waking up each morning where I truly have no idea where I am. True, it generally only lasts a brief a moment but is disorienting none the less. As I write this I am sitting in the airport in San Antonio waiting for a flight to Birmingham where I will eat, have a drink, sleep, wake, meet with a potential client, and leave. Lather, Rinse, Repeat the following day in Vero Beach. The thing that gets lost in all of this travel (other than Wife, Dog, sleeping in my own bed, etc…) is the tremendous amount of my life that is now devoted to waiting. Of this week long trip that I am on I would estimate that I will do about 3 ½ hours of actual business. The rest of my time will be spent in hotel rooms, airports, rental cars, crappy restaurants, good restaurants, and (of course) bars. Right now I am sitting in an airport bar because my flight is delayed. I am on beer number 3 and when the gal behind the bar offered me a shot for $3 more, well hell, I took her up on it. The point of this, if there is one, is that life tends to blow by you pretty quickly when you are sitting in a bar, waiting on a plane, watching the same damn SportsCenter highlights for the fifth time that day, thinking about your business and worrying about money….and this is the exception, not the rule.

“I think its time for me to move along. I do believe, I must be in the middle of some kind of conspiracy”

As I have eluded to more than once in this space, I travel extensively for work. A good deal of these travels take me to industry conferences. This is without a doubt the best part of my job for all the reasons that Michael Scott once so eloquently detailed. And if you don’t know what I am referring to, than clearly you need awesome lessons. Anyway, one of these upcoming conferences takes place an hour and a half down the road in the Kingdom of the Evil Mouse. This morning I called to make reservations at the conference hotel. The cheery Stepford Wife receptionist asked for some information so I gave them my name and zip code. At this point she informed me that they already had a “profile” on file for me and proceeded to recite my address to me. Uh….huh? I have lived at this address for only six months or so and I have not stayed at this particular hotel in at least six years. I can assure you that when I moved to the new address I did not inform The Mouse or any of his minions of my new whereabouts. The worst kept secret in Florida is that The Mouse is far more connected and powerful than anyone would imagine, but are they connected to the CIA? The Mafia? PETA? I am very scared right now and more than a little nervous about my attendance at this particular conference. I fear that they will be watching me the entire time.

“Flowers flying cross the room , vases smashed against the floor. Said ‘I'd rather be alone , take your chocolates and go home’"

Forgive my use of harsh language as I know we usually try and keep it family friendly here at the Five Guys, but in this case it is warranted. We celebrate some really, truly dumb shit in this country. My grandstanding against the banality of Halloween has been well documented for years. Columbus Day is an outdated observance that commemorates an elitist pirate who by all accounts lacked any regard for human life or common decency and who never actually landed on our continent. If anything the holiday celebrated in our country should be Vespucci Day. Hell, some states in our fine Union still close municipal offices on Jefferson Davis’ birthday. Hillbillies. But the worst offender is without a doubt Valentine’s Day. I want to punch Valentine’s Day in the face. Somehow in the days of Chaucer and courtly love and other outdated references that no one involved in this forum would ever care about, this holiday was transformed from a commemoration of early Christian martyrs into Hallmark, candy, teddy bears, and broken dreams. Everyone seems to agree this is a dumb ass reason for a “holiday”, yet if we are in a relationship we are compelled to acknowledge it or face the consequences. If we are not in a relationship we are compelled to feel sorry for our misfortune (though for the sake of fair journalism, I never once experienced this in my many years of being single).
And lest you think I am just a crank who can’t get into the spirit of things, I promise you I love any good cause for celebration. Gasparilla is the single greatest holiday in the history of the world. Thanksgiving is an annual classic. Christmas is fun for an entire month. Memorial Day and the 4th of July are always good for a killer long weekend, and my annual Flag Day keggar is not to be missed.
But I have now made an executive decision and inducted Valentine’s Day onto the List of things that Suck.

“We are the boys from old Florida, F-L-O-R-I-D-A…”

Four of the five guys are Gators or Gator sympathizers. Last night was a great night for the team from up the road. As Pauly so eleoquently put it, “Timmy is a Bullgod”. I love this team, this QB, this coach, etc… Couldn’t be happier, more exhausted, or more satisfied this morning. Enjoy Gator Nation. It doesn’t come around often.

“What a night for a dance, you know I’m a dancing machine. With a fire in my bones and the sweet taste of kerosene”

For whatever reason I failed to put together my list of the top 10 albums of the year in 2007, and the music world clearly suffered. Not wanting to withhold my knowledge or influence for a second straight year, I bring you the best of 2008.

10. “Learning To Live”, Darius Rucker: Erstwhile Hootie and the Blowfish frontman reinvents his solo persona in the form of a real, By God country and western album. While it would be easy to dismiss this as another pop turned country wannabe, it wouldn’t be fair to the job his earnest baritone does on songs like lead hit “Don’t Think I Don’t think About It” and instant classic “All I Want You To Leave Me (Is Alone)”.

9. “Fearless”, Taylor Swift: It is difficult to argue with her talent (she writes and performs all her own tunes), her success (she has sold eleventy bazillion records), or her appeal (cute as a button), and on her second album the juggernaut continues.

8. “Accelerate”, R.E.M.: Some bands age gracefully, other implode in their prime, but a rare few just keep on keeping on. Refusing to go softly into the night, Stipe, Buck, and Mills churn out a half hour of the slinky, smirking guitar rock that first made them college heroes close to three decades ago.

7. “Death Magnetic”, Metallica: With rehab, therapy, and Jason Newstead well in their past, the boys team with Midas maker Rick Rubin and get back to doing what they do best, making loud, aggressive, face melting heavy metal, complete with the Hammet guitar solos so glaringly absent on “St. Anger”.

6. “One Of The Boys”, Katy Perry: Smarter, sexier, and sassier than Britney Spears at her apex, Katy Perry is the perfect pop-star for both tweens and soccer moms. Her debut CD is coy, clever, and most importantly, incredibly catchy.

5. “Fleet Foxes”, Fleet Foxes: Creepy debut CD from Seattle brooders. Grizzly, winding guitar rock with harmonies that ebb and flow before building to a ridiculous climax on each song. Coldplay – Douchebaggery = Fleet Foxes.

4. “Folie à Duex”, Fall Out Boy: Lost in their Hot Topic wardrobe and the Kip Wingeresque forgettability of Patrick Stumpf’s voice, is the maturation of Pete Simpson-Wentz’s song writing. Infinitely listenable power pop music with devastatingly sharp lyrics missing from previous F.o.B. efforts.

3. “Vampire Weekend”, Vampire Weekend: Boat shoe and cardigan wearing, Ivy leaguers make an African influenced genre of music they describe as “Upper West Side Sowetto”. The soundtrack for the kids down at the Yacht Club.

2. “Day and Age”, The Killers: Give Brandon Flowers his due, he is nothing if not unpredictable. If 2006’s “Sam’s Town” was a dustland opus, “Day and Age” is a Space Camp fantasy, blending 80’s synth with 90’s angst to create a lush and brilliant story. Like the previous three Killers albums (counting last year’s EP “Sawdust”) this one is an acquired taste and much better on the 10th listen than the first.

1. “Only By The Night”, Kings of Leon: On their first album the Followill’s were all about style over substance (which somehow translated into making them the biggest band in Europe). Their second full length showed maturation and promise but was still lacking for the depth to propel them to superstardom here in the States. On their third, “Only By The Night”, the Kings have found that depth in spades. Caleb has traded marbles in his mouth warbling for real singing and killer lyrics. Brother Nathan, always the strongest musician on the band, takes his drumming to the next level and gives the songs a tempo lacking in previous KoL efforts while Jared and Matthew wrap the songs together with the strings. Lead single “Sex on Fire” is a bona fide rock smash while closing track “Cold Dessert” shows off a promising blusier side.