No Bueno Fiesta

I finally took the time and searched through my email and found my log on and password. I will forget it again in a week or two, but I am finally going to make a post on my own.

Last week for work I had to make a last minute work trip to Mexico City. Yes the same Mexico City that is the epicenter of the swin flu pandemic. I will eventually get to that but I wrote an email that I found kinda funny about my experience after only my first two days of the trip and I thought I would take this rare opportunity of knowing my password to contribute and expand on the email.

1. There is no English ESPN here. They don't call it ESPN Deportes either it is just ESPN

2. I do not know what 120-130 KMH translates to MPH but I know 120-130 KMH down the side of a winding mountain road translates into Frank thinking he is going to crap his pants in fear they are going to fly off the side of the mountain.

3. Animals graze everywhere. Side of the interstate, in the hotel grass next to the parking lot, and on the side of a mountain that I have no idea how they got there.

4. Dogs are everywhere. None have owners but look fairly healthy. They also sell puppies at the toll booths. Yesterday a stray followed me out of the gas station and while my driver was pumping gas it jumped in the car and spilled my coffee all over me. Really weird experience, especially when I was uncomfortable when the driver kick said dog.

5. Most who have been to Mexico know this but they try to sell you anything. Food, toys, as previously mentioned dogs, huge wooden sculptures of Jesus’s mother or just Jesus himself, furniture, and if you had enough money probably their children.

5. I know no Spanish whats so ever. My translator knows very little English. I know, then why is he my translator? I really don't know, but I hope they got a discount. This makes for a difficult working situation.

6. To expand on number 5 Very frustrating to say the least. Here is a few pointers to know if this ever happens to you. Speaking like a cave man does not help. For example saying the phrase "Could you please explain to me what information you want displayed on your computer screen" like this "you want I make you picture on screen look how" does not help at all. On the same note speaking like an American cave man trying to add Spanish accents onto words does not help either, and I think they actually might have been offended. Talking with your hands to point to things might make you look.....I tried to come up with a witty analogy about being stupid, but it makes you look stupid, and I am not really that witty so it wouldn't have worked anyway. It seems to be the most effective method though.

7. Anyone in this group will tell you when someone thinks something I did was funny I tend to run it into the ground. For example I am 33 years old and still do the worm when we happen to be at a dance club......come to think about anywhere that has music and I am drinking. Well Mexicans don't find things funny over and over again either. Me saying every time I was frustrated with them "Necesito una cerveza" was funny the first.... ummm 10 times. After 15 they just stopped laughing. At number 25 they walked away saying something in Spanish that didn't sound nice......I still pushed it to 30.

8. On the way back my driver was taking the normal route back to Mexico City. Without warning he pulls off the interstate and into a small town. 25 minutes of driving deep into the Mexican country side I have resided that I am pretty sure I am going to be on CNN in a couple of days with a story line "American Kidnapped in Mexico and Infuriates Captures Because No One Is Willing To Pay Money to Get Him Back". After another 5 to 10 minutes (felt like hours) we pull up to a shack (95% of the houses are shacks) . We pick up his brother who rides all the way back to Mexico City with us. Strange would not state properly the feeling of the rest of the drive back.

9. Mexicans can build anything out of cinder blocks. Well out of any kind of blocks at all. 500 ft crosses, billboard signs, huge buildings. That being said 90% of the houses are not complete. All are either missing a wall or a roof. Just thought this was weird.

10. So two days after getting there the news starts pouring in about the Pandemic of the Swin Flu. I am now inundated with email, texts, and phone calls. I was not in Mexico City at the time and no one seemed worried so I wasn't either. I get dropped off at my hotel in Mexico City Sunday night and it is everywhere. Everyone has on surgical masks and police are questioning anyone that didn't look like they should be in the hotel. The guy I was working with apparently thought copious amounts of Don Julio would kill any of that d@mn Swin Flu because I think we drank all that the hotel bar had in stock. The 5 AM wakeup to catch my flight hurt. Then after already checking out of the hotel I get a call from Delta. Your flight has been cancelled. Nothing about why, just your flight is cancelled. So of coarse the first thing I think is "great they are not letting anyone out of this god forsaking place". Get to the airport and it was just maintenance problems. So the fact that I still get to go home makes the fact that I now am stuck at the airport for 7 hours seem a lot less sucktastic. My boredom did have a positive effect for another board poster. He likes tequila very much and the chica caliente (hot chic) salesgirl talked me into what she said was a special bottle of tequila. So I boaght it for GF. I ask the tequila connoisseur board member later and he said "yeah you can pick that up at any liquor store in town". D@mn hot salesgirl! I am a sucker for hot woman and have realized that the senioritas are an even bigger weakness of mine.

11. 4 hours later and about 6 beers into the day, the whole airport bar starts to shake pretty hard. The Chili Pepper signs hanging over the bar are swinging and a couple of glasses fall. Btw off topic but I have realized there is a Chilis Too everywhere. Come to find out Mexico has just had a 5.6 earthquake. The old man bartender and I are talking and he says in his broken English. "That no earthquake, you have too many cerveza". Pretty much the only thing I understood him say all day and we shared a really good laugh. While that was funny all I can think is "holy crap I need to get out of this place, someone here has done something to infuriate what ever god they believe in and his/her wrath is going to take out the innocent along with the rest". Selfishly I was the only innocent I cared about.

12. Finally I am airborne and on the way home. First flight goes fine. In Atlanta I stop for dinner, at a Chillis Too, and see a gigantic human being and wonder how in the hell is he flying on an airplane..... He must have to buy two seats. I found out about two hours later that he did not b/c he is sitting right next to me. I of coarse am in the center seat. He sits down and has to literally force himself into the seat. I can hear the armrests screaming with the sounds of stress fractures and think any minute their going to give. His person is hanging all over me and what I thought would be the easiest and shortest part of my flight turned into the most excruciating flight ever. His roll that is touching me is really damp and just the thought of that makes me want to puke. The girl next to me is giggling. She is lucky I couldn't move because I might have slapped her. So you would think I would be the one who freaks out on the flight. Nope. He asks me what brought me to Atlanta. I told him I was flying home from work in Mexico. Should have never said that. He starts flipping out. "Oh my god I can't believe this, this is a sign of the end of the world and now you are sitting next to me. I have the worst f*cking luck in the world". I am thinking "you have the worst luck. Have you ever thought of what everyone that has to sit next to you goes through". He gets up a complains to the flight attendant. She lets him stand in the back of the plane till we land and gives him a surgical mask. I honestly didn't blame him too much. Then we land. He tries to run as fast as he can to the front of the plane hitting people left and right with his massive gut and ass, that I notice to my dismay was hanging out the back of his pants. He didn't make it too far, so I can now hear him on his phone saying that he was affraid he was going to die and that if he does his family will sue Delta Airlines. This is where it would have been awesome if I yelled "you are going to die soon anyway from being such a fat ass". I didn't though.

There is my story. No point to it just wanted to share.