"She Could Dance All Night And Shake The Paint Off The Wall"

I'm the kind of guy who generally procrastinates tasks that I don't really want to do. One of these tasks is shopping, which I absolutley loathe. So it should come as no surprise that I was out on December 23rd doing pretty much all of my Christmas shopping. I was able to finish up by about 2:00 and was feeling real satisfied with myself and my efficiency. As I left the overly crowded mall I caught sight of a Hooter's out of the corner of my eye. There was no question that this would be my lunchtime destination. Since I was alone, I pulled up a stool at the bar and ordered up a beer and a sandwich. As I sat there I began to over hear a conversation between the bartender and another Hooter's girl named Gina, who was very clearly drunk (she was actually sneaking shots with one of her tables). The conversation started with the two ladies lamenting "small dicked, high school dropout, ex boyfriends", and it went down hill from there. Drunk Gina also apparently likes the ladies (at one point screaming out "I LOVE PU.. and getting really high, while the other girl claims to have slept with Lil Wayne and NBA player J.R. Smith. Gina thought this was a pretty cool accomplishment but made clear she would have settled for "just smoking up with Weezy". Later in the conversation the topic turned to movies, which quickly devolved into their favorite kinds of "adult movies". At some point during this conversation Drunk Gina noticed me giggling like a school girl and they began asking my opinions on their various topics of discussion. I can't be sure but I believe my response went something along the lines of "uh...I like Will Ferrell movies and I'm married". The whole experience was just Solid Gold.

Guys We All Hate

1. Drinks out of a Cocktail Straw Guy: I can't believe I even have to list this one because I am shocked that a dude would do this. But, we've all seen it: "Jack and Coke" is ordered. Bartender delivers, dude picks it up and takes a hit right through that little straw. Here's a hint, those are for girls and mixing lime in drinks that require it. You then dispose of straw. Otherwise order a belini or an apple martini woman. This guy is a cousin to: Wraps his Beer Bottle in a Napkin Guy and Needs a Glass for His Beer Guy.

2. Under Armour as Outer Armour Guy: Another truly baffling guy that continues to haunt me. The original, extremely tight Under Armour (or any other brand) was designed for athletes to have a layer UNDER their equipment that wasn't too bulky. Eschewing all fashion or good sense, this guy just rocks it. I think you should be able to hit any one doing this with a baseball bat. Cousin: Any other overly tight T-Shirt guy. Nice pecs and biceps douchebag...go spike your hair some more and maybe mix in some leg sets. Dick.

3. Likes to Fight Guy: An old favorite. Self explanatory ass bag. Seriously, do you not have anything better to do than fight? Fighting isn't cool, fighting hurts. Chicks don't dig it either...but since you are probably wanting to fight since nobody likes you anyway it's irrelevant. You are the kind of special loser who will go try to fight your ex-girlfriend's new boyfriend...because you have a small penis. Cousin: Drives Fast Guy and Crotch Rocket Reservation at the Morgue Guy

4. Karaoke Guy: Don't confuse this guy with people who enjoy karaoke or people who can sing. Karaoke Guy does lots of things nobody should do...namely almost always chooses ballads and thinks he may be discovered by a record label at any moment. He'll also sit at the bar and ask you what you think of his song choices. If you are good at singing, he'll high five you after and say "I was gonna do that one." Every karaoke bar in the country has this guy in it.

5. Sunglasses Inside Guy: This fucktastic loser is found almost exclusively in the domain of losers: clubs. Must be all the techno and bright lights that require the shades inside. This guy parties with Tight T-Shirt Guy. Seriously, sunglasses exist for the sun. Unless you are Bono, take them off. They don't make you cool, they make you an unredeemable dickbag. Cousins: Overly Ornate Jeans Guy, Pointy Euro Trash Shoes Guy, Guy That Wears Any Shirt with Bedazzling, Glitter or Goldleaf.

6. Affliction T-Shirt Guy: Thank you Affliction and Ed Hardy for making it nearly impossible to buy clothing that doesn't suck. Nothing says punch me in the face like clothing inspired by punching people in the face. I'm 34 and I don't want skulls or snakes on my shirts. I'm also not going to wear a flat bill hat sideways. Honestly, there should be justifiable homicide clauses for this shit. Judge: "Mr. Host, why did you kill Mr. AssFace?" "Sir, look at this picture...he was also hanging out with Sunglasses Inside Guy and his Cousins." "I see your point, he needed killin', Case Dismissed." Cousins: all of #5.

7. Non-Participating Team Guy: You've seen this loser of all losers. You walk into Florida Field for a game against Tennessee. Then you see some idiot assclown decked out head to toe in Ohio State gear. Seriously, just because you are going to a football game, doesn't mean you need rock "football" gear. Get a fucking life or better yet, leave my state and get a ticket to your own team's games. Cousins: Lives in a City for Years But Talks About How Much Better Their Previous Home City Is Guy.

8. Golf Guy: This can really be any sport, but the main part of this is that the guy sucks at the sport. You've seen this guy. Latest in technology in the bag. Decked head to toe in trendy golf gear. Spiky hair out from under the visor. Has tags from all the courses he's played. Only hits expensive golf balls. Until you see the swing, you think the guy must be the shizz. Of course, when he shoots 122 and loses 2 dozen golf balls you have to listen to "Man, I don't know what was going on, I never play that bad. I think I have a hitch in my swing. I better get to the range." Yep, to the shooting range so I can put you and me out of our misery.

9. Over the Top Christian Guy: I Love My Wife bumper sticker, check. Have a blessed day, check. Isn't God Great, check. Knock off T-shirts that have God sayings looking like other current trends, check. Jesus Fish on car, check. Why all the advertising? Who the hell are you trying to convince? Let me give you a hint, you'll never convince me so just keep that shit to yourself. I'm not going to your church. I'm not going to listen about salvation. It's a personal thing, and personally I hate you. Keep your private stuff, private. I don't wear T-shirts that say I like to fornicate and drink and gamble. I don't have a "There is no heaven and you are stupid" bumper sticker on my car. I don't try to scare you that your life will end badly. Actually, you are probably missing out on life, so it's already bad for you. Believe what you want...just don't condemn those of us who choose to think you are stupid. For your actions, not your beliefs.

10. Fantasy Football Guy: I'm going to make this easy. You are not a coach. You are not "resting" Reggie Bush. You are not "sitting" Jake Delhomme. Your "team" is not winning. Your "defense" is not killing it. What you are doing is being a complete waste of oxygen. Take your laptop out of the bar, tie it around your ankles and jump into the ocean. Pick a real team and cheer for it. Then next year when your friends say let's have a draft, you say sure, I'll have a Miller Lite. You are probably still a loser but at least I can respect you...somewhat.

I quit...

I've decided to give up...throw in towel...take a knee...toss up my hands in disgust and walk away. Every time I turn around there is some new and fantastic way that the government has found its way into my pocket. I drive on uneven roads incapable of handling the volume demanded of them and wait in line for the toll booths. On my pay stub I see something labeled as a fringe benefit but it is actually a bill for a car I am required to drive for my job and actually lose pay...right before the holidays...with no warning! I see patients every day that have not taken care of themseleves in their entire life and as a result, recieve life saving devices paid for by the taxpayers. Now there is talk of taxing my "cadillac" healthcare benefits that, as far as I'm concerned, is a benefit that is agreed upon by me and my company. It's not like Bos Sci comes down and says, "Anthony, we can give you a good medical option, or a crummy one for the same price...which would you prefer...?" I see delivery trucks all over this city that need to park but can't and I see their windows littered with parking tickets that up the cost required to bring me goods and cost me more money.

I used to think it was just part of the deal. My parents have long said "just don't think about it, there's nothing you can do". But they were wrong...the only way this system works is for the able bodied and driven minds to work harder and harder. Those that do and succeed will encounter resistance at all levels and feel guilt from those that have only "need" and no guilt. Well, I don't think I want to play that game any more. The government used to be my biggest problem...what if I became the governments biggest problem and just quit? I'm your problem now...feed me, put me in clothes, give me a house, insure me, protect me...it's all up to you BO...after all, this is the greatest country in the world, I shouldn't have to want for anything, or work for anything since there are so many others with so much...what about what I need? Working for it sure hasn't guaranteed me anything...so I guess I'll just ask for it. I wonder what I'll do with all that stuff once it gets here...

"Now I Send Back Letters From The Wasteland Home"

See that picture there on the right? Looks pretty doesn't it? When you are sitting in your warm living room sipping on a nice bourbon, it really is. The rest of the time it pretty much sucks. Being a Florida boy and life long resident of The T, I have been slow to adjust to this snowy environment. Very early one morning this past week I was driving to the airport (which is about half way to Kansas, by the way) when my widsheild became totally caked with dirt and snow. I literally couldn't see a thing. I tried to clear my sightline by using the wiper fluid. Unfortunatley it was frozen solid. Without the liquid, all my wipers did was smear the smutz around, makig things even worse. My only option was to lower my driver's side window and drive the rest of the way with my head out the window. It was 6 degrees. My point being, why do people intentionally live this way? There are climates right here in America where it never ever snows. And I long to move back to the one from which I came. I feel that in the three months we have been here, I have fully experienced The D. I have gone to the mountains. I have driven to Blackhawk to gamble. I have even sampled the margaritas at Hacienda. Been there, done that, ready to come home. At least Dog loves the snow. Chasing snowballs is her new favorite pastime. Unfortunaley for me, she usually pursues this pastime while I am shoveling out from under several feet of snow and fighting off frost bite in my hands.