Resolutions

Every year we all do it, whether we carve them in stone or they are an afterthought in the deep recesses of our mind, we all make some sort of New Year’s Resolution. Most common..Lose weight, stop smoking, be a better parent, be more dedicated to my job. The list could go on forever. When thinking about this the other day I realized while most resolutions are very admirable, none actually seem like much fun. Again let me stress as an example I would love to be a better father to my daughters, and it is a goal of mine, but in my idea of FUN things to do, I wouldn’t put that in this category. So I have decided this year to make a list of resolutions that if I were to be honest, would be my top 5 real answers (in no particular order) to what I would want to do with my year. Note to reader. This is written in jest, and resolutions are meant as a joke, so don’t go callin Mrs. Frank after reading this.

1. Eat Whatever the "F" I wanted.

What happened to my 14-25 year old metabolism? I could eat every greasy, cheesy, meat filled, gelatinous plate full of crap every meal and would maybe need to walk a flight of stairs to stay in shape. Now if I look at burrito my fingers get so fat that I hit extra keys while typing. (fgh by njkkdjf the nbkjbk way mndbcbf I dncfkjdsf f-ing kwejbnfkjf LOVE jkfkjkkj burritos) So this year I want to eat chicken wings, go to Vallarta’s every Wednesday and Friday, eat every starch I can think of and cover every inch of said starch with a pound of cheese. Sure at the start of 2011 I would need a Lark 3 Wheeled Scooter and insulin shots but how fantastic a time I would have getting to the point that I couldn’t see my Johnson, or "The Coal Minor" as I like to call him.

2. Start a drinking club

Was going to say join/start a fraternity, or something up that alley, but when I actually think about it I would really just like to have a club where people I like and myself hang out and drink. Don’t get me wrong a fraternity has other attractive aspects, like hazing, casual sex with sorority girls, and occasionally the combination of the two, but at the end of the day I would settle for a club where I met 1 to 6 days a week and we just talked shit and drank like fish. I have never really understood that saying, but thats not important.

3. Grow a Mullet!

Not sure why other than the humor factor. Would also like to incorporate a porn-stache and pork chop side burns, but I am not sure I am engrained enough with the white trash DNA for my hair to grow in like that. Also will purchase an IROC Z and fake Oakleys that only baseball players should wear.

4. Try to visit every gentleman’s club in the greater Tampa/St. Pete/Clearwater area in one night.

What is there to really say about this one. It would be a feat that would be hard to accomplish since there are 44,000 strip clubs in the area and it would probably take a week to actually do. So it is a great challange, and then there is naked boobies. Yeah I didn’t think any more explanation was needed either.

5. Disappear!

The Five Guys an RV and open road….well and beer. One day the five of us just jump in the RV and drive till the wheels fall off. I have always wanted to see this beautiful country up close and personal, and I couldn’t think of a better way than with my best friends. As my fellow Five Guys always say, “If you don’t think this is awesome, then you need awesomeness lessons.” !

In summary while these are resolutions that will never be fullfilled, a boy can dream!